Thank you for your comments on my last post. You guys are honestly angels. I love you.
I'm going to see my therapist again on Wednesday and I think I've reached the stage where I have to be honest.
I'm not even sure if what I'm feeling is really classed as 'suicidal' but I know that if I stay like this any longer I'm going to end up dead. It's not that I want to die. I don't particularly. I have so many wonderful friends, and when I actually pull myself together long enough to socialise I remember how great things used to be, how maybe there is some hope after all. But this shit is all becoming way too much to deal with. I mean I honestly don't want to die, I just really can't live like this for much longer. I'm not living, I'm existing.
And barely existing at that.
I don't think I posted about it before but I had a panic attack (or an anxiety attack, is there any difference?) in my psychology lesson just before the start of my easter holidays. I think it was one anyway, I just couldn't breathe and ended up sitting outside my classroom in tears trying to make my heart stop pounding and stop shaking.
Today was my first day back at school since then, I spent most of the psychology lesson zoned out, and by English I was a mess, my teacher excused the fact I hadn't done my essay and at the end of the lesson she said I looked awful and I should go home. She's normally a complete bitch so I must have looked bad.
It seems so pointless even bothering to go in when I'm such a mess. I don't take in a word anyone's saying and it seems like such an unnecessary stress.
I have only six weeks left until exams and then I'm finished forever. It seems crazy for me to drop out now, but I have very few reasons left to stay; I'll probably fail all my exams anyway.
I just seem unable to do anything anymore.
I booked my holiday and I need to lose weight, but I keep eating and I hate it. I just seem to have no control anymore. I'm nearly back at where I was a year ago, and it's ridiculous.
I'm a fat slut who needs to get over herself and stop eating.
I am finding myself eating the same way and I am basically back to where I was a year ago too. I know what it's like when life just seems so ridiculously hard and anxieties and stuff gets in the way. I hope you feel better soon, even if it is just for a little while. :)
ReplyDeletexoxo
You're not going fail. Don't give up. Don't go. I love you, and I would love to help in any way I can. When you go back to the therapist, be honest. I would also love to know how it went. I'm always here to talk. Xxx
ReplyDeleteI really hope you can be honest with your therapist. I think it'd do you a lot of good to be able to be open, and let them in. You're under so much pressure in so many ways, and you need all the support you can get.
ReplyDeleteLove & hugs xx