Happy Birthday Rayya

My sister keeps trying to talk to me I've been putting her off all week, I don't want to talk about this to anyone. And the fact it's taken her so long and she's gone along with all my games and tricks I've used to avoid it makes me feel like this is some kind of joke to her. If she actually cared she would have spoken to me in person while she was here.
And if she's reading this; please don't talk to me about this. I don't want to talk. Please stop reading my blog and just let me be alone with my thoughts. I don't know if she is reading this, but just in case.

I nearly dropped out of school last week. I had coursework due in and I tried, I really fucking tried, to do it. But I just ended up having a complete breakdown so I just did what I always do, I got really drunk and stayed in bed all day instead of going into school empty handed. I was meant to be going out that night but I just didn't reply to anyone all day. I actually got 12 texts and 3 missed calls in that one day of blocking out the world. I didn't expect anyone to notice.
On Sunday when I finally replied to people one of my friends (the one who knows everything) said: "Try to text back next time. I think sometimes you forget how much your friends care about you."
I've realised how true that is. I completely isolate myself, I say I've lost my friends because we drifted apart. But in truth I've pushed them away and refused to let them be there for me.
I never reply to their texts or their calls, I actually hide from them in school most of the time because I want to be alone in my misery.
But in the brief moments I interact with other people I have wonderful friends. When I finally replied to people another friend who I'm not even that close to any more said she keeps having dreams where I die and she was so worried about me. I made a joke about her not missing me if I died and she replied "I would more than care literally don't know what I'd do without you". I am actually such a bad friend to them all. I've been so suicidal recently (that seems strange to say so casually, but it has literally been that. No suicide attempts, just a complete indifference to life), and whenever I think of reasons to stay alive I rarely think of the friends at my school; it's only ever my friends I met through this blog that keep me going.
I think I need to try and make more of an effort with my friends, I'm actually turning into a bit of a bitch without meaning to. I literally ignore them half the time, I'm surprised I have any friends left.

On a much brighter note: I'M MEETING RAYYA TOMORROW!!!
Happy birthday you beautiful turtle. I absolutely cannot wait. I'm so sorry I'm still so fat though, I was planning to be skinny by now, I'm sorry I'm always such a disappointment.
Woo, I'm so excited haha.
I love you so much, I hope you had the most amazing birthday ever, you deserve nothing but happiness.