I met Rayya on Tuesday. Literally the best day of my life, ever.
She is definitely the most beautiful person I've ever met. Ah I can't even begin to describe how good a day it was. I need to meet you again soon, I miss you.
Thank you so much for an amazing day, I hope you had a great birthday. LOVE YOOUUUUU!

But the second I left her everything went pretty shit. I met my guy friend for a drink and ended up sleeping at his, we didn't technically even have sex, but still. What is wrong with me?!
Then when I got home the school rang and complained to my dad about my attendance. And my dad's a literal dick so he lied and said I'd lied to him and said I didn't have school which is why he'd let me stay home. Which is bullshit, I never even speak to him, let alone lie to him about my plans. He doesn't care enough for me to need to lie. Just because he didn't want to admit to the school that he doesn't care I miss school sometimes. I really do hate him.
But anyway I ended up snapping completely, I tried to have a shower but I couldn't even open the shampoo bottle because I was crying too hard. The razors against my veins had never looked so tempting.
I went to school because I was scared about my attendance, and I thought I could hold it together for one lesson, but I failed. I ended up crying uncontrollably outside my school and my English teacher saw me and hugged me and made me go and talk to the head of year.
But I'm glad I spoke to the head of year. She was lovely. She got me an extension for my history coursework which has literally been driving me mad, and planned out when I can do it. She even said she'd see if I can stop going to half of my biology lessons because I'm resitting that class so I don't need the lessons, and then I can spend that time doing more important coursework.
The way she broke it all down so it seems less overwhelming really helped.

I think maybe I need to go back to my doctor though. Therapy hasn't been helping and I'm getting so much worse than I was. I'm a depressed, paranoid mess of anxiety. I can't leave my house without over analysising  every single word I say to people, and picking it apart until I'm too scared to speak to anyone. My hands are permanently covered in crescent moon indentations from where I dig my nails in to try and distract my mind from over thinking. I realised that is the main trigger for my self harm. My psychologist always asks if I self harm to punish myself, or because the pain makes me feel less numb. But it's neither, I self harm because when I'm in physical pain then my brain shuts up for the briefest second and all I can think about is the pain. Which is probably a bit messed up, but I'm glad I finally worked it out. I always felt like a freak for not having a purpose to my self harm.

Sorry this was meant to be a really cheerful post about how much I love Rayya hahah. I always get so depressing in my posts, I'm really sorry.
Love you all, thank you so much for still being wonderful and supportive. I don't deserve you all.