Yesterday I had a day off. No school, no work.
So what did I do?
I woke up at half 9, downed a bottle of wine alone in my bed, and pretty much passed out for the whole day. Every time I woke up I would smoke some weed until I passed out again. I stayed like this until 7.30 pm when I tried to get up, and ended up throwing up.

Everything just seems really pointless recently. What is the point in me even staying alive? My grades are getting lower and lower, my future is getting bleaker and bleaker. I have no aims or ambitions, I'm just here. Taking up far too much space. I used to cling to the thought that 'I'm still too fat to die', but it's been a year and I've lost practically no weight, it's clear I'm too greedy and shit at life to ever reach my goal weight, so why am I still fighting?
I've never felt like this before, it's different to when I've been suicidal before. Before it was a passionate hate that fuelled my feelings; now I'm just indifferent to life. It's just seems an unnecessary pain.
I'm such a burden on everyone; I told my friend (super skinny one) how I was feeling, I left out the word suicidal because she would have got interfering if I said that, but I told her everything else. She was caring for a couple of minutes, then she changed it to how she feels bad because she's gained weight. It's not like I don't understand the pain of weight gain, but when I'm crying on her about my eating disorder and depression I don't need her repeating how she weighs under 100 lbs and making me feel inferior. Before she actually told me how anorexia is so much unhealthier than bulimia. Like it was a fucking competition. I know the health risks of both anorexia and bulimia probably better than many GPs, and certainly better than her. She seemed to think acid stained teeth was the biggest affect of bulimia. And can I just add before I sound like the world's biggest  bitch: she's not anorexic. She does have some eating issues, but she's in no way anorexic, or bulimic. She's just a bit weird with food. Okay now I just sound like more of a bitch, I'm not saying her eating's unimportant. I am there for her,  just sometimes I need her to be there for me in return.
I told her I'd cut my wrists again and she made a massive deal if it, and said she wanted to see them the next day so she can see how bad I've got; the next day I spent loads of time with her just us two. She didn't even ask how I am. She acted like she'd forgotten our conversation completely.
She hasn't asked me how I am since.

That guy from last week hasn't texted me back since Sunday either. I'm clearly not even worth two seconds to reply. I'm just a fat, ugly, worthless slut. Why did I ever kid myself into thinking he might actually like me? There's nothing likeable about me.

Sorry I'm so shit to all of you, I always mean to read your blogs and comment, I miss you all. But I just end up sitting for hours punching walls instead. Which is no excuse at all. I really do miss you all, I'm trying to be better.