I need to get the fuck over myself and stop hiding behind my bulimia, anxieties and depression. Diagnosis' were the worse thing that happened to me, I just use them as an excuse to be a waste of space.
It's Thursday evening in the half term; other than going to the shop for binge food and diet coke, I've only left the house twice all week. I've spent the rest off my face, not even getting out of bed.
Today I got really high, the kind of high where you see things lurking in the corner when you blink; I ended up cutting myself deeper than I have for months while in this state. I had the worst anxiety yesterday, I don't even want to go into what happened to make me feel like it, it wasn't even that bad. I would have so easily laughed it all off a year ago, but now I just can't cope with even the slightest stress. And you know what. I give up. I give up on feelings. I miss my numbness, I miss not crying, not caring, not feeling.
I need to be stone cold, wiry and dead inside.
It's scarily close to summer, and I'm terrified to weigh myself because I've eaten so much recently I'm surprised I haven't exploded. Literally it's disgusting, I actually feel like my insides are dirty, I would kill to be able to undo the damage I've done this week.
I'm starting a detox tomorrow I think. I need one. I know I say this a lot, but fuck it. I seriously don't care about myself any more, my brain is far too angry to give in to my body. It can starve, it can literally die from hunger and I won't care. I'm a joke. A literal joke.
Also I just want to say thank you to all my new followers, and to my old ones as well who've stuck by through all my moody boringness. I realised today I've gained about 40 new followers, and I haven't followed any of you back. I've been so self obsessed and I'm sorry. I'll try and sort it all out tonight.
I really appreciate your comments so much. They honestly light up my day, even if I don't always reply I do read them all, and I'm sorry I'm such a bad blogger.
Oh, and happy valentine's day. I hope you all had a better, less lonely day than me.
I totally feel you. I know how you feel, about wanting to stay inside. Honestly, that's about what I want to do.
ReplyDeleteEven if you do stop caring, I'll always be here for you. Xxx
I would love to do a detox with you! I mean, i'm detoxing tomorrow anyways. And once I read this, I thought we could do it together, if you want? Xx
If not, it's totally fine. Love you.
Sending you hope, faith, courage and a hug
ReplyDeleteLove you sweetheart x
Sweetie I just want to give you a hug. I'm so sad to hear you feel trapped in your diagnosis.
ReplyDeleteAs for today it sounds like maybe you greened out a bit? Sometimes it just puts us in a bad place, especially if you smoked more than you normally would.
Love you sweetie, you're in my thoughts xx
Happy Valentine Day! (I don't think it's just a day for couples, it's for everyone who loves other people! So my love for you counts as well ^^)
ReplyDeleteHave you tried to ask you GP for pills againts anxiety ? Maybe it will help.?
Be careful with your health sweetie, take care of yourself. I know that it might seem stupid/obvious to say that but instead of going on a huge fast that will surely end up by a binge, you should allow yourself to eat small amount of healthy stuff. Consistency and moderation is the only way to get through it. It's like in politics extremism never works (especialy when we switch from one to another all the time). I know it's hard and I know that this requires so much will and control, but I've been doing that for three weeks, and I can tell you that I already feel a bit better about myself (a bit cause miracles don't exist).
I love you <3
I did absolutely nothing for valentines day(: haha
ReplyDeleteAnyways--You're right in the fact that you need to do better but I want you to be careful.. take care of yourself, babe. I worry about you.
Just start eating cleaner and try, try, TRY to cut out all those horrid junk foods--you deserve to be healthy.
Good luck hun xoxo