I forgot how easy it is to not eat. I've got into the habit of eating and I've convinced myself that loads of occasions mean I 'have to' eat. But I don't. I really don't.
I told myself that if I eat dinner with my family then they won't suspect anything and it's a needed disguise. But I just told them I'm eating upstairs and chucked out the food; my parents didn't even question why I'm eating upstairs. They don't care. No one really cares whether or not I eat. People who know about my ED sometimes pretends to care, but they believe any lie and never force me to. No one can force me. Every single bite of food that enters my body is my decision, and it's my decision that I don't want to eat any more.
I used to do this every day. Live off the bare minimum and then do exercise all night. I lost like 20 lbs in a couple of months. At the time it felt like the slowest progress ever, but compared to now it's incredible.
I need to get that back.
I'm probably at my highest weight in a while right now. I haven't weighed myself for a few days. But I was over a point I vowed never to reach again this year.
I've been eating like a pig, and barely even purging it all. No wonder I've gained so much weight. No wonder no one takes my bulimia seriously. People seem to think I'm fine because I'm not underweight. I'm actually embarrassing. Too fat to have problems. Too fat for everything.
It has to change.
3 months until summer.
I can do this.
I love epiphanies like that. It might be a good idea to still eat dinner with your family sometimes though, they could suspect something if eating upstairs becomes a habit.
ReplyDeleteIt's crazy how it works, that weight loss seems to take sooo long, but looking back it really does add up.
xx
We can totally do this baby girl :) I know.. I was losing like 4lbs a week and felt it was too slow, now I'm at my highest weight ever, throughout feb I have constantly eaten and stuffed my face full of stupid calories. But we need to reign it in. We have gone almost 4 hours without food now, it's really not as hard as we make ourselves think it is.
ReplyDeleteWe will be so hot this summer <3
Love you xx
Sweetie people all too often underestimate bulimia
ReplyDeleteMost people with it aren't underweight but that does not mean it's any less serious
It's so misunderstood
Please stay safe though, you are too precious
You are loved x
I completely agree with everything you said...
ReplyDeleteNobody cares whether I eat or not - best friend or family.
I guess that's just how it goes.
Please be careful, honey. This is a tricky route to take--I hope you don't feel too lost :/ Email me (everythingtochange@gmail.com) if you need to talk or something..
ReplyDeletexoxo