I'm actually worthless.
Another night out, another one night stand.
All respect for my body has gone.
My arms are covered in fresh cuts, which means the guy was either too distracted to notice, or he saw and didn't even care enough to comment on it.
I feel so fat. I hated every second of last night, I just wanted to cover my body and find somewhere to cry.
And I'm about 60% sure I kissed a pervy 40 year old barman for a free drink last night.
Worthless, fat, ugly slut.
My school has started being overly understanding. My history teacher said she'd moderate my coursework separately to everyone else and that I could have another two weeks, on top of the two week extension she gave me before. I don't deserve her kindness. She should just kick me off the course. I'm too stupid to do it anyway. I don't know why I'm even bothering to stay in school, I'm just going to fail all my exams in summer anyway.
Teachers who don't even teach me have started stopping me in the corridor to ask how I'm doing. I can tell they think I'm some 'special case'. The crazy girl who can't even make it through an hour lesson without crying.
And my friends seem to think I'm making it all up. They keep saying how lucky I am for getting extensions.
"I wish I could fake tears so I can get one too." My friend actually said that to me last night.
Oh and the guy I lost my virginity to finally spoke to me last night. After three months of completely blanking me, even when we're in the same group of people for a whole night.
He apologised, but it wasn't heartfelt at all. I think he just realised he had no one else to talk to.
I ended up forgiving him after like a second. It's not like I can really blame him for treating me like the worthless slut I am.
I've been binging and purging loads recently. I did make it through a 27 hour fast on Monday, and lost 1.4 lbs, but I'm sure I've gained it all back and more by now. I'm too scared to weigh myself. I just want to stop eating. Shrink down until I disappear. I don't want to live any more. I want to starve to death. Slip away one day at a time.
But no. I'm just stuck binging and purging every few hours like the fat, worthless bitch I am.
I'm going back to my doctor on Friday. I stopped going to therapy because it wasn't helping and the bus was too expensive. But I can't deny I'm getting worse and worse. I can't walk down a street alone any more without wanting to throw myself in front of every car I see. Even if I'm having a good day, the urge is still there. I'm so scared if I tell him how suicidal I am then he'll tell my parents though. They've always told me that's the line where confidentiality ends, so I've always lied and said I've barely thought about it in a serious way. But I guess if I'm not actually attempting then he can't do much?
I didn't think it was even possible to hate myself this much.
Please don't be upset. You're lucky that the teacher gave you extensions. It might be time to stay in and have a bit of me-time. You don't have to eat any high cal foods if you want or anything. Just try to relax. Why not make your favourite healthy meal, and have a bath, and have an early night. Really pamper yourself. Get up to date on your coursework and give the guys a rest. Here for you always. xxx
ReplyDeleteYou are not worthless! And you are not a bitch or a slut - please stop saying mean things to yourself! Please don't hate yourself, I don't know how you can hate yourself so much when I love you so much, you are the sweetest, kindest loveliest and most wonderful person ever, you are my best friend and I love you and it kills me inside to know that I can't make things better for you and that I can't be there for you every day like I should be.
ReplyDeleteNo sex for either of us this week.. Maybe it's part of the self destructiveness maybe that's why we are doing it to ourselves.. We need to just be more firm with ourselves. We did so brilliantly fasting the other day - we can definitely do it again xx
The line of confidentiality ends if you're at serious risk of harming yourself or others. It's kind of a fuzzy line, some doctors will tell your parents if you're cutting, others won't unless you 'have a plan' to attempt. But sweetie that is no reason to lie about it. If you're feeling suicidal, you really need to talk to someone about it. You need help, and I don't want to lose you.
ReplyDeleteYou aren't worthless hun. You are a precious soul and I love you to pieces. Please try to keep yourself safe <3 xxxx
As Bella mentioned above, the confidentiality line is fuzzy. Though in Canada if you are over 16 they can put you under a 48hr assessment without alerting your parents as you are considered old enough to make your own decisions. What ever the case is in your home land, seriously consider voicing your thoughts to some one honestly, thoughts of suicide are a serious matter and they may be able to help.
ReplyDeletePlease take care of yourself hun. I know deep under what you think is a mess of emotions, there lies a beautiful and strong young woman. Never underestimate yourself love!
Xoxo.
It's not being lucky that you get the extensions, your teachers are humanly worried and trying to help you the way they can. As said feeling suicidal and worthless is something you need to talk about to someone because a loving and caring person like you has a lot to offer to others also. I've seen your comments on many blogs, you're always there for so many people and did you check CJ's blog? She devoted one post to you because she loves you so much. You're not worthless because you're making others happy and have you seen any teacher worried about someone they don't believe in. They want you to survive because they see something in you.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs darling <3