Middle of night ramble

So I've woken up at like 4am.
But for once I'm actually in a good mood.
Mainly down to waking up drunk, drinking more, and having Rayya and my guy friend to talk to because they also never sleep. Woo.

I have a lot of stuff I could talk about, but I don't want to think myself into a depression so I'll leave it for now.
I texted me (hahah just proof read, you can tell I'm from Somerset from my farmer typos) ex, he replied like straight away. We chatted all day, I should probably text people first occasionally, as much as my social anxieties hate it, at least that way I know. If I text first and they reply I'm getting what I wanted, and if they don't then I know for sure they're a lost cause, and I can hate myself quicker.

So that is my 4am advice (5 am by the time this was posted) to the world. If you're sat waiting for them to text first, give a casual text to them. It speeds up the process by days. Especially if you know the guy is shy and hates texting first.

Why am I awake?
Who knows?

I feel terrible that I barely use blogger any more. I keep trying, I log on every few days. I read a few posts, try and comment. But after a bit I kind of zone out, get really depressed, just drift off. I try so hard to keep up with what's happening to you all, you're my friends and I feel terrible for drifting so far. I really am trying. Everything's just really hard right now.
Finding a reason to even wake up, to keep living, is getting harder.

Too many people around me are suicidal.
I promised my friend I'd tell no one, not even my blog. But not naming or saying which friend: I found out a while ago my friend ODed and had her stomach pumped.
She didn't tell anyone. For months.
She only told me because we were both fucked. Like locked in a bar with a 40 year old barman (who I think I kissed) who was on coke and giving us free drinks, kind of fucked. And we ended up having one of those once a year deep talks that never get mentioned again.
I have mentioned it since, I broke our tradition of deep talks that never get repeated.
But she promised she's fine now.
She was sweet.
I told her I nearly ODed too, and she was like "we have our set toilets in this bar, if you're not here who am I going to pee with who won't steal my cubicle?"
It sounds stupid but that one thing has stuck with me.
She made it sound like I actually matter to her.
I guess if I'm the only one who she tells about her OD, bulimia and depression then maybe I'm one of her closest friends? Next year it's going to be us two left, not going to uni, and I would feel guilty leaving her.
I'm the only person (like literal only one, except the guy) who knows she's not a virgin. Everyone else thinks she's super innocent and has only ever kissed guys.
Now I think about it, she trusts me with so many secrets.
I'm not going to name her, because I've literally never told anyone her secrets before.
But fuck, this is such a ramble.
But maybe I do have more friends and more reasons to stay alive than I thought?

I have other friends who want to die. Other close friends. But ones from blogger so I don't know if they want people to know. But seriously. I feel like too many people around me are slipping away from me. I need you guys. I love you all.

Ah I've been writing this for like an hour now and I'm just getting drunker, more awake, and I don't know what else but doing English Lit has made me want to describe everything in threes.

Hope you're all sleeping soundly, and not wide awake at  this ungodly hour.