Sorry I haven't posted for a while, my head's been a bit of a mess.
I had my assessment at the mental health clinic on Monday.
I hated it.
I'm pretty sure it was a trainee psychologist. They never said that's what she was, but I tried to read her ID card, and I think it said trainee on it somewhere. Because of that there were two of them in the room; the trainee asking the questions, and the other one just watching.
I tried to ignore the other one for a bit, but after a while I got overly aware of her. She was just watching my body language. My nails digging into my flesh as hard as possible, the way I hid behind my hair, the baggy jumper and thick coat which I never took off because I didn't want them to even consider my weight or weighing me.
I tried to stare her down when she started making notes on my clenched fists, but she seemed unfazed.
They asked me if I'd lost weight from the purging, I said "not that I'm aware of." They asked if I wanted to lose weight "I hadn't really thought about it."
At the end they just said very simply "you're clearly not telling us everything, and you seem unwilling to talk about some of the more important issues."
They kept putting emphasis on things I'd never even considered though. They asked when I started self harming, I said at 13. Later on they asked if I remembered anything bad happening when I was 13, I mentioned my mum's hospitalisation. I don't think the two are linked in any way, I think I was self harming after she got out, when she was recovering, but they were convinced that was the trigger and I couldn't be bothered to correct them.
I should hear back from them soon apparently, after they've discussed my case with their 'team' and they can come up with a treatment plan. I'm pretty sure it will be antidepressants or anti-anxieties and talking therapy. I said I hate talking about everything and I don't want the therapist, but they made it clear my opinion was invalid.
I've got kind of swept away in all this 'professional help', I went to my doctor because I wanted help with my mood swings that stop me going to school, all I expected was for him to prescribe any old medication and never talk to me again. I also feel like I'm too far into this is tell my parents. They keep trying to pressure me into telling my mum, but how can I tell her now?
I've been going to my GP for about a month, I've gone out of the city to a mental health assessment. If I tell my mum now I'll look like a pathological liar.
As a result my week's been weird.
A mix between crying, binging/purging and cutting, with a few moments where I've felt absolutely fine and felt guilty for being fine.
Also, that 'friend' who knows and I keep waiting for to care; I literally give up.
Last week we spoke about everything, again, and she said she never asks how I am because she doesn't want to upset me (?) and I told her I feel worse when she doesn't say anything. She promised from then on that she'd be there and make an effort to be more understanding when I'm having a down day. That's the last time we've spoken about it.
A friend who thought I was going to the clinic because I couldn't sleep texted to check it went okay before the friend who knew about it did.
The day after my appointment I was sat in school with some of our mutual friends, she came and sat on the other side of the group and semi-smiled at me so she obviously saw me.
Then her and the people around her all got up because some 'better friends' came along, and everyone just got up and walked off. No one spoke to me, no one looked round. No one commented on the fact that I was just left there sitting on my own. It was made worse by the fact that they didn't do it maliciously, they didn't plan it or mean to leave me out, I'm pretty sure they genuinely forgot I was even there.
The day after my appointment. I never felt so alone in my life.
I actually give up on her. I'm done with being there for her, today she spent a full hour ranting at me about how she was flirting with the guy I used to be seeing (she and everyone else seems to have forgotten about that, he's their new best friend and no one cares that he used me then never spoke to me again) and his girlfriend got annoyed at her. A full hour I had to listen to her rant about it, I barely said a word in response except occasionally nodding or agreeing to make her feel like I care. I spent the hour rubbing my fresh cuts under my sleeve and wondering if she'd ever ask how my appointment went. She didn't.
On a plus side though, I might be going to Amsterdam for New Year.
My friend lives in Holland like right by Amsterdam, and she invited me and a few other people to stay with her. And because it's at her house all I'll have to pay for is plane tickets, and obviously spending money for when I'm there.
Plus I'm not amazingly great friends with her or any of the people going, which for me is a plus. There will be no bitching, no one caring what I eat, no one noticing if I'm feeling depressed. I find it easier being around people I'm not close to, because they don't care enough to bother me. They just leave me to it.
Sorry I've been bad at commenting. I've finally caught up and read all of your blogs. I'm trying to comment, but everyone's just so hard at the moment. I'm so I'm such a bad person.
I really do love you all.
Hey Lovely, sorry I never emailed you back. I'm really horrible at communication, but was glad to know you're okay :)
ReplyDeleteDo you think you'll open up to the psychs? I'm guessing that she was a trainee, but that's not so bad. On my first camhs intake I had a trainee, with the psych watching and taking notes. She ended up being one of the best psychs I've ever had, and I was devastated when she finished her placement and I couldn't see her anymore. Give her a chance though, yeah?
I think you should consider telling your mum. If not now, then when? A year of appointments will be harder to explain than a month. I'm sorry I don't have much advice in this department, but it might be time to tell her what's going on. Even if you just tell her the same things you've told the doctors and leave the eating issues aside. If you're worried seeming like a liar (which you aren't), tell her that you didn't want to stress/worry her until you'd gotten the assessment, so you have a 'plan'.
I don't know if I'm making any sense here, but I love you and I hope you're okay
xxBella
It's okay. We are all constantly apologizing for not commenting, I won't take it personally. :)
ReplyDeleteI thing psychologists are stupid. They all have their own set of values, so whoever it is, is just trying to change all of their patients into themselves. They are trying to convince other people to be "healthy" like them. And the idea of paying someone to talk through our problems... It's like prostitution but instead of buying sex we are trying to buy what a friend should give us. I'm sorry you feel so alone. I feel alone all the time whether I am around so called friends, my family, or my boyfriend.
The New years trip sounds pretty fun but I would hate to see you get trapped in the situation because something unexpected goes wrong. be careful. Maybe have some kind of emergency or back up plan...? Maybe I think too much. x.x
Anyways, I love you and I'm back to commenting thanks to some changed internet settings.
xoxo
You're not a bad person at all sweetie
ReplyDeleteYou are a little bit lost, we all are but you are definitely not a bad person
I'm so proud of you for going to your app as I know it can't have been easy
It's very hard to be completely honest I know
Please consider telling your mother, you might be surprised by her reaction. You need all the support you can get right now so try to avail of it.
I'll leave you with an offer to email me if you need some extra support andthenshedisappeared@yahoo.ie
Stay strong,
Believe in you x
Hi Lovely,
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I understand if you dont tell your mum if you think it would make things worse. I didn't tell my parents. In fact, they have no idea that inpatient is being considered, they think i was discharged years ago and now I'm fixed. However lt depends on the parents, so maybe think how your mum would react/ be supportive/ whether you can trust her etc xx
The thing about the MH team, they cant just give you antidepressants, they dont work alone, and with the self harm they like to see how you are doing. and i know you might not want to talk about it, but depending on the type of therapy, you might not even need to. for example - i saw clare today, i didnt want to talk about my week because she doesnt know im going home, so she starting talking about filters and how we perceive things and it was actually interesting. it can be really good just to have someone to rant at that isnt going to judge you.
and im sorry you had two people in the room. that is really unfortunate. i had that once, it made me feel awkward.
let us know what they say and consider a talking therapy - it might not be as bad as you think in that you dont have to say anything you dont want to but you have support. you might just get a care coordinator for now, like clare, and they are fab because there is no pressure to do anything.
Love you little starshine,
Amanda xxx
I totally agree with Ruby! You are far from a bad person :) x
ReplyDeleteHey, I hope you're doing ok <3
ReplyDeleteAlice xx
Holy cow. That sounds crazy. I almost feel like most of them try to push your buttons during these test to see how you will react or respond. But that doesn't mean it is not annoying.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe you had all of this going on but took the time to email me. I thank you so much for thinking of me in your time of um.....cauious.
I can't believe your dad. That sounds awful. My thing is I am sure he has always been like this your mom is probably just getting tired of it along with other things. I can now say that since I am married. My husband doesn't clean either. Like once in a blue moon or when he knows we are going to have company. I know that and I have excepted it. Makes it easier to except.
Anyway I hope things get better between the two of them.
My parents say that about my sister. It's only because when she is home she stays in her room or only comes out when they go up stairs. So when she comes home they are like "wow we didn't know you were gone". I am not sure if that is your situation but I can't bare the thought of them not acknowledging you.