Saturday, 10 November 2012

When was the last time anyone just ate?
Ate without counting, without planning, without the all-or-nothing mindset?

I've been sat here for the past half an hour thinking about what I should do today:
- eat nothing
- eat chips, bread and a tofu hotdog and purge it all
- eat a piece of fruit and risk triggering a binge

Those are my only options.
It took me the full half an hour to even remember that some people just eat what they feel like, and stop when they're full.

My dream is to lose all this weight, reach my UGW or maybe just under, then wait for people around me to notice and to be 'saved' and somehow be able to eat normally without ever really gaining the weight back.
Which is all complete bullshit. It's never going to happen.
The only thing stopping me from losing weight is my brain, but at the same time the only thing stopping me from eating normally and being healthy is my brain. So what the hell is my brain doing?

Sorry this makes no sense because my brain makes no sense.
I don't even know what I want any more.
I just want to be skinny now. Skinny or happy.
I'm just stuck in the middle, binging and purging my dreams away.

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11 comments:

  1. Rayya10 November 2012 at 11:56

    You make perfect sense to me, I feel the same.. our brains needs their (head? brains?) smooshed together and need to sort themselves the fuck out.

    I always wish that would happen but it doesnt..
    Oh darling,
    I love you I wish there was something I could do..

    x

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  2. Ruby Tuesday10 November 2012 at 15:36

    You make perfect sense sweetie
    My every waking moment is consumed of thoughts of whether to eat or not to eat. I'm very black or white, I either eat too little or too much, there is no in between, no balance

    Hang in there lovely x

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  3. Nina of the Night10 November 2012 at 17:54

    I know, I was thinking this too. I bumped into a work member in tesco today, i was holding diet coke. she asked what i was having for dinner tonight. she couldn't decide what she wanted.

    WANTED
    not could have, was allowed. I just stood there, stunned. It might sound stupid.

    I had walked into m&s, picked up apples, started crying, put the apples back, walked out, walked into tesco, looked at all the options, realised there wasn't an option, found the diet coke and was about to get a trek bar from holland and barrett.
    Torture really. you know that ARGHHH THAT AM I DOING I FEEL INSANE JUST PICK SOMETHING.

    Gah. I don't think food is ever going to be stressfree. i love you, hope you're doing okay xxxx

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  4. Zoe10 November 2012 at 19:20

    I wish I could do the same, lose the weight, be tiny and eat again, but like you said, it's not happening.
    Are brains get so starved and obsessed that all you think about is food.
    It will get better, sending you love xox

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  5. Nina of the Night10 November 2012 at 19:50

    I did email her in the end. she's really experienced so i knew that nothing i could say would shock her, and i think all my behaviours indicate it anyway. i dont find writing difficult, but i find it horrific trying to speak. when i write, its like my life is fiction, when i speak, that isn't the case.

    do you have a goal for christmas to get to weight wise?
    i might weigh in tomorrow... idk im afraid im going to be exactly the same as i was last time. ARGH!! xxx

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  6. alice k10 November 2012 at 22:25

    That's exactly how I used to feel. Then I started eating like a pig and now I can't remember the last time I restricted my calories. I feel like the last almost year of my life has been one big pointless binge. Ugh I'm so glad to be back. :)

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  7. Unknown11 November 2012 at 03:12

    This puts into words what I've been feeling perfectly...
    I'm on a b/p as I type--and I don't know why I do it. Does it make me happy? Not really. and all I want is to be happy and skinny. But becoming skinny is making me so unhappy. I can't stop though, I might as well just be skinny.
    Do I make sense anymore? Whatever. I hope things can start panning out for you; for both of us<3

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  8. The Secret Me11 November 2012 at 06:14

    Omg I know exactly what you mean!!! I haven't been able to eat with out thinking in ages

    I hope it gets better as much as it does for me
    xx

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  9. Queenie11 November 2012 at 22:59

    This absolutely makes sense. I've kinda managed to put this feeling into words a few days ago, and it's been constantely floating in my mind since then. It scares me.

    I hope you're alright. Good luck with your hopital thing tomorrow.
    Love you xX

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  10. Stephanie N.12 November 2012 at 03:19

    Please know that you're not alone in feeling this way. I wish there was something more I could say to help you feel better. You always leave such supportive comments on my blog. In the end I think a lot of us will have to choose happiness over skinniness because having an eating disorder is simply not sustainable. However, you're just wasting your time if you try to recover when you're not ready or committed to it.

    Please feel better soon.

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  11. Anonymous13 November 2012 at 01:43

    Hey, I can really relate to this - Not able to stop thinking about food and not able to just eat normally, and at the same not able to lose weight. It's like, I spend all this time obsesssing and I'm still not skinny. You're right though, it's that all-or-none thinking, but recognising this isn't the same as changing it. I hope things get better for both of us soon <3
    Alice xx

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