I'm back from London my darlings.
I've just caught up on all your blogs, but I didn't have time to comment.
London was great, so many skinny people there. So much walking around and running for tubes (does the tube system absolutely terrify anyone else? Or is it just me living in a tiny city for far too long?), and walking up and down Oxford Street spending money I don't have, so hopefully I've burnt off loads of calories. Also, I bought a petite size 6 (UK size) dress from topshop. It was slightly tight, but I've worn it out, it's not too bad, I think it's just too tight at the top (how do you get rid of breast fat? I swear mine just refuse to get smaller).
Other than one incident in the Nando's toilets where I weighed up the pros and cons of purging with an angry foreign woman on the other side of the cubicle door (I decided not to just incase she commented on it), I had quite an emotionally stable trip.
So by the time I was on the coach coming home I started holding back the tears. I don't know why I do this. Why do I feel like if I'm happy for too long I have to make myself sad again?
So I was already feeling a breakdown coming on, and then I got home to my Adolescent Mental Health referral letter, so I freaked. On the 12th November I've got an hour and a half appointment in the assessment clinic.
I don't really know how I feel about it.
Shit just got real.
I want to get help with the depression. I'm not happy. I'm never happy, and I miss my happiness, my social life. My ability to interact with people normally. I miss not crying on the bathroom floor almost daily and not wanting to literally kill (no exaggeration) my dad whenever he talks to me. I miss feeling normal.
But I don't want them to press on the food issues, I don't want anyone making me want to be happy with this fat body. And I don't want to find out whatever main underlying issue is causing all this stuff. I'm happy blaming everything on little triggers and petty excuses. I don't want anyone digging deeper and making me think about whatever it is my body is working so hard to avoid.
Then at the same time I'm scared they might decide there's nothing wrong with me. It's just an initial assessment where they decide whether I'm 'sick enough' to need their professional help. And then at the same time I says on the letter that if they "are worried about issues of safety, it may be necessary to tell other agencies, parents or carers about risk." I don't want them to decide I'm a danger to myself and tell my mum, but at the same time I don't want to lie to them about it not being that bad, so they don't take me seriously.
I'm so conflicted in every possible way.
And right now I am so so so so stressed about everything, but there's no binge food in the house, and I'm ill and it's raining so I don't know if I can walk to the shop to buy food to purge.
I wish this wasn't my automatic response to everything.
I need to reply to my emails, that's my next step.
I love you all so much. I don't know what I'd do without.
Has anyone else here ever been for an assessment thing?
i was in a residential unit for 4 months and an intensive non residential unit straight after for 2 months earlier this year. it was a specialist eating disorder one mainly for restoring weight but also to work other issues like depression and self esteem. i've filled out so many questionnaires which is the main form of assessment i think. i had daily sessions with mental health workers and a massive assessment on my admission day which i barely remember because i was such a low weight.
ReplyDeletei imagine that will be what yours will be like - mainly talking and filling out questionnaires - maybe thats why its so long? i would recommend it, its great to get things of your chest, and no one can make you do anything you dont want to. they can only make "suggestions" that you do what you want with.
much love xxxx
London sounds wonderful, darling! I'm so glad you had a nice time there shopping and exploring. But I'm also glad you are home so we can hear more from you <3 :)
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie... I am so sorry you are dealing with all of that right now. What a nasty thing to come home to. I don't know what to tell you. I've never been in that situation. Lying probably isn't the best idea... You might really need help for the depression but if you are worried they'll dig too deep and you're not ready then maybe hold off for now... It's really your decision darling... I hope it all goes well for you and things work out for the best <3
Please take care of yourself and don't let it get you too down or stressed out <3 We love you.
-Emma
I love shopping in London !! Yay !
ReplyDeleteI totally have this weird feeling too, like "Hey, you're a bit too happy today, let's make you a bit sad, shall we?' and then, I want to cry for no reason.
I hope you're feeling better now !
I guess it's quite frightening to go and see all these doctors, but I'm sure they'll be able to help you. The first doctor told you there was a chance that they might never reply, but they did, that means they are really willing to help you and that they do not consider that you're 'not sick enough'.
I'm glad you took that step. I really admire your courage.
xX
It is scary to have to do this sweetie but you will be so glad that you did. I've done many assessments over the years and I promise you they're not that bad, it's mainly to assess your risk to yourself.
ReplyDeleteHopefully you will get someone nice and kind and understanding.
My advice is don't even think about it, just do it
Give yourself the best possible present, the gift of life.
A friend once said to me that it's not a choice between the eating disorder and recovery, it's a choice between life and death.
I know life sometimes seems scarier that death but we have to least try.
Sending you hope, faith, courage and love x
if it helps, think of it more as extra support rather than them trying to fix you or make you happy with who you are. i've been seeing the mental health team for 3 years and they havent made me like my body, dont worry theey cant get into your head, as much as they might want to to be able to help you, they cant switch your thoughts without your input. give it a go, i've found the support really good, even if at times you despair and think it isn't helping or you dont want it to help or you're confused. at the end of the day you have someone who you can rant at about wanting to throw up in the restaurant toilets who wont judge you, wont be surprised and wont lock you up and send you to the hospital either, not unless they think you are an immediate risk to yourself, and i've overdosed several times on 70+ tablets and not had that done to me.
ReplyDeletei love you, i hope what i wrote made some sense and has helped you think of it without being so afraid? i love you xx
London is so amazing! I'm glad you are home :)
ReplyDeleteStay strong darling. I believe in you <3 xxx
London sounds amazing. I love the hustle-and-bustle and running for trains in big cities - Melbourne is wonderful, but obviously no comparison to London! I haven't left my sleepy little town for years now, but if it weren't for my anxiety I'd be anywhere but here.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the assessment. Like Nina said, try to think of it as 'extra support' instead of them trying to 'fix you'. I can't really comment on what their responsibilities are with telling your parents, because I'm sure it's different in the UK. Over here, if you or others are at risk of harm, they have a duty of care to tell someone. But you can never be sure how someone's going to react or how 'seriously' they'll take it, unfortunately.
Love you lots, sorry I've been so crappy at commenting lately. Hope you're okay xxxx
From what I heard London has very high food regulations and most of their foods are fresh and chemical free. So I am not surprised to hear about them being skinny there. Word is here in the states if you visit there you lose 10lbs from eating their food. It is that healthy.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. I get tired of my up and down moods as well. I am trying to stay in control and focus on the positive but it can get hard sometimes. That is why I said when I get a chance I going to look into getting some help too.