2013

Because I started my new year abroad, literally at the strike of midnight we were all stood in a spider filled stairway trying to finish our weed quickly so we could go out.
My first words of the new year were 'quick I want one last drag before we go', and as amazing as my new year was, when I got back to my friend's I was still fucked and ate so much shitty food.
So for the sake of my sanity: My new year is starting from today.
All that's gone into my body so far today is water, diet coke and cigarettes. Not healthy, but fuck it, this is basically the life I want. Non-fattening substances to keep me going and remove all cravings. I want this year to be for what I want to do.
I don't really have any new year resolutions, I just don't want to make any that I can't stick to.
Last year I wanted to reach 95 lbs by this new year. I'm still so far, though I suppose I am closer than I was.
I still haven't forgotten the suicide pact I made with myself, I said if I wasn't 95 lbs by now then I'm hopeless and I would kill myself. It's still there in the back of my mind, but I'm still too fat to die. I still need to reach my goal weight at least once in life, it's all I really aspire for in life, I can't give up before reaching that one thing.

I have my first CBT session today, I hope I have enough money to even get to my appointment, I think if I can get £5 cash back from somewhere I'll be okay. This is going to be expensive, the only reason I've ever really thought of why I should tell my mum about therapy is because it costs over £6 to get the bus there and back, which will add up as I've got an appointment basically every week, and no money left after Holland.

I'm calmer about my family going through all my stuff now. If they haven't said anything so far then they never will. They've done it before and said nothing. I just went downstairs in a t-shirt with my arms showing, they do have faint marks and scars that haven't fully healed yet, but not overly noticeable, I just wanted to make the point that I don't have (fresh) cuts on my arms, so hopefully now they've seen that they won't ask.

I really want to start doing more exercise as well, I really don't want to be all muscle but I'll lose weight so much quicker if I exercise as well as restricting. In Holland I realised how insecure I am. There were loads of really pervy guys there, and every time they perved on my friend but not me I got jealous. Which is so pathetic.
It was actually quite scary, the pervy comments in Amsterdam especially were just weird. After we'd been there an hour someone said to me "if she was behind a shop window, I so would." I found it hilarious, but a bit insulting, haha.
My friend (the one who basically everyone hit on) got asked "how much?" by some really scary guy, he then followed us for half an hour. Properly stalking us, he waited outside shops for us, and didn't even try to disguise the fact he was following us. In the end we had to run into a shop and take off our coats so he wouldn't recognise us. It was so scary.

I really need to go and shower and work out bus times for the appointment. But one last thing, I've really started like Cara Delevingne. She's so perfect.

Haha, sorry a quick moment of obsession.
I love you all so much. How was everyone's new year?
What's your new year resolution?