I can be your china doll if you like to see me fall

I have so many things I need to be skinny for, but I've spent the whole day binging on carbs and now I'm so bloated and disgusting.
Tomorrow I don't want to eat. And the day after I don't want to eat. I never want to put anything in my mouth ever again.
The thought of waking up tomorrow and facing an entire day of eating opportunities is horrifying. I want to stay safe in my bed forever, or at least until I'm skinny and no longer need to stuff my face every time I leave the room.

I'm trying not to self harm any more, but not because I want to stop. Just because my arms are getting a bit ridiculous, and if anything happens with the guy I met last week then I want to be able to act normal. At least for a bit. I didn't realise how much of a habit it is. Nothing particularly stressful has happened, other than eating a lot of bread I've had a really good day. But right now I'm just typing this trying to distract myself, and I know for a fact that I'll at least punch some walls tonight, even if I do manage to resist cutting.

I started this post in a really good mood, and now for no reason I'm on the verge of tears. I wish my emotions could just stay stable for a few hours; I was so happy earlier.

I think I might like the guy I met last week, and it terrifies me because I don't think he likes me back and I haven't felt like this about anyone for so long.
On Friday it's his friend's birthday and I'm invited out with them again. Though it's out of my city so I have nowhere to stay when I get there. He just texted me saying "if I wasn't working I would say you can stay at mine", my heart literally skipped a beat when I saw he texted me. Earlier he told me I should find a way to come because it "would be nice seeing you". That was all he said, so simple. He probably didn't even mean it. I've become a pathetic wreck sitting by my phone, smiling manically whenever he replies. I haven't let myself be like this with anyone since my ex.
I'm almost scared to actually meet him again, because I really don't know if I could stand the disappointment when I have to face up to the fact he doesn't actually like me.
I'm too fat for anyone to like me.