Taylor Momson

I always used to love her on Gossip Girl, but I never paid that much attention to her other than that.
Then suddenly today I saw a picture of her on tumblr, and spent the next hour watching all of her music videos online. She's so skinny.

Her legs were probably the main reason I became obsessed with Gossip Girl

I looked up her weight online and it says her weight is 119 lbs, and her height's 176 cm. Which I guess is possible, though to me she looks like she weighs less. Although she is quite tall, so maybe the weight is real.
Either way, I want my legs to look like that.
I've been binging horribly recently, and not even purging most of it. Instead I've gone through a ridiculous amount of laxatives, like that will help my weight in any way. I realised this morning that by weighing myself every day it does help to get things under control quickly though. This binging the last few days has made me gain 2 lbs, and today I just looked at the rising numbers in despair, and finally I think it's hit me that I'm losing all my progress. I want to be skinny; I'm absolutely and utterly sick of being stuck in this fat body. I've spent so long staring at 'thinspo', planning all the things I'll do once I'm skinny, all the things I'll wear, all the people I'll meet, every moment of my life is spent imagining what it will be like when I'm skinny; and I'm finally ready to do these things. To make this happen, to take some action and just be skinny.
Tomorrow it's my ex's birthday. He's not the ex who fucked me over (even now I'm 'over him', I still picture bumping into him once I'm skinny and him begging for me back), he's just someone who was always more of a friend.
He doesn't live in the same city as me, so when I go out for his birthday I'll be going over to where he lives, where I know hardly anyone, and I've never had a night out there before.
I'm quite excited, I like meeting new people. As long as they don't know any of my friends and have no previous ideas about what I'm like.
One thing my 'best' friend hates about me is that I'm really bad at joining in conversations with her and making an effort to be cheerful around her; because I feel like I shouldn't have to. She knows I'm depressed, she knows I'm trying, and she knows that sometimes it's hard. So I don't make the effort to be fake around her.
Whereas when I'm with strangers they don't know anything about me. If I fake a smile and pretend to be happy, they don't know the real me well enough to know I'm lying. And I like that feeling. I like at least pretending to be normal; and it's so much harder to pretend around people who know you're lying.
My friend is lending me her ID so I can actually go out and not feel on edge the whole time, plus he smokes menthols. So I can spend the whole evening smoking menthol cigarettes and drinking with him and his friends, all of whom are older than me so they're all in their first year of university.
Pretending to be someone I'm not; perfection.
The only time I've ever met his friends before was about two and half years ago when I went to a party with him, and I got stupidly drunk. Though I did only kiss one guy, which for me isn't that bad. I vaguely remember talking to that guy again after the party and him telling me he really liked me. And I think I might have stopped replying or been really blunt because he scared me by getting really serious after what was to me just a drunken kiss.
I looked on the guest list and that same guy's invited tomorrow, I hope he doesn't remember, or doesn't hold a grudge for what a bitch I was.
I wish I could have more functional relationships with people. I think the ex who's party it is tomorrow, is probably the only ex I still talk to. We weren't exactly functional either (we met online, went out for four months without once meeting in person, I cheated on him twice and never told him, I'm pretty sure he was in another cyber-relationship with some random girl from Scotland, I ended up dumping him through text because the guy I was madly in love with who I'd cheated on him with - another guy who ultimately fucked me over and cheated on me - started showing an interest, then after we broke up we stopped talking for ages), but after we broke up we slowly started talking again and finally met in person and got on really well. So now a few years later we're still friends, and it's actually nice to have someone who I get on so well with, but who doesn't live by me and can't judge me based on rumours he hears.

That's why I really want to travel next year; there's something so great about going somewhere new where no one knows you. I can create an entire new 'me' and there's no one to judge my change or wonder what I'm doing, because everyone there will just know what you want them to know.

Sorry this turned into such a rambling post; all I meant to write was: I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT FAST!!