I don't know whether or not it was true: someone said they were a recovering bulimic, and that they have a six year old daughter who started counting calories and saying that she's too fat, habits she must have picked up from her mother.
I don't know the truth in that story, because surely a six year old can't count that well or know enough about calories? But it shocked me so much. The thought of someone so young feeling like that..
I have my doctor appointment tomorrow. I'm going to get the blood results, and I think to discuss my options. I thought I might as well go. Even if all I do is get the test results.
I don't know what I want. I want the crippling sadness to leave, but not the purging. Or at least not the restricting. I don't want to think normally and stop wanting to lose weight, I just want something to stop the sadness which prevents me from getting out of bed, and from making an effort to talk to people.
It was only when four people in one day said they hadn't seen me for weeks when I realised how much of a recluse I've been. I try to escape during lunchtimes and walk around alone nibbling on an apple, rather than sit in silence and have someone telling me to buy some lunch, or not even notice I'm there.
Plus my mood's so up and down I feel like there's nothing even wrong with me. Right now I feel fine, so even writing this I feel pathetic and attention seeking, but then in my downs I feel so helpless. I don't even know if I need help.
I'm so confused.
Oh and this weekend I wore my fleece to work to hide the still healing cuts from last week, and even though it was sunny yesterday, no one commented on it because the store is always kind of cold. Then today loads of people started wearing fleeces so I don't feel like I stand out anymore. I should be pleased, but now I kind of feel like I have a motive to start properly cutting again. I never really stopped, but it was always my hips or legs, which to me doesn't have the same effect so it was more a punishment than a relief, but now I have my wrists and lower arms back I can tell I'm going to slip back into the horrible habits.
I'm rambling so much crap.
Sorry.
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| I own clothes just like these, I hope that one day I can look as good as her in them |
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| I think she has the best legs I've ever seen |
Good luck tomorrow sweetie
ReplyDeleteI'll be thinking of you x
oh huni no no nooooo please dont cut :( it makes me sad.. i know how you must feel, the urge for me to cut gets very strong at times, but think i have gone over a year without cutting so you can easily do the same i promise.. i wish you could - i hate to see you hurting :( <3
ReplyDeleteyou are not attention seeking - not at all, you are one of the most self less and unconceited people i have ever met - you are hurting and it is not attention seeking at all. never think that..
i hope it goes ok at the docs tomorrow.. you know i am here for you if you need me <3
love you loads xx
o and you tube 8 yr old anorexic - it is heart breaking... x actually dont, i dont want you to cry. x
ReplyDeleteI saw that. All of the Rhodes Farm documentaries are well put together. It is very heartbreaking but it proves that an ED is more than just being vain and self-absorbed.
DeleteWow… a six year old picking up on things like that? I would be pretty shocked to. Then again loosing weight and what we eat is such a bit thing in western culture…nobody can seem to avoid it!]
ReplyDeleteHope your test results come back okay honey!
Sorry to hear your mood has been so low. Just try to remember things always get better…when your feeling that shit…you will feel better again…its always ups and downs but there are ups. Its confusing but don’t feel like your seeking attention. Just cos you feel okay one minute then shit the next doenst mean you don’t deserve any help for how you feel <3 I remember sometimes when I was hospitalised I would laugh with the other patients then instantly feel guilty! Like I didn’t deserve to be there :P!
Fleece! You’re a trend setter darling! They have all started to copy you XD!
I hope with all my heart you don’t slip back into cutting honey Things will get better
xXx
Hey sweetie!
ReplyDeleteI hope your test results are going to be okay. But I'm sure you don't have to worry about anything :)
Look, if you were an attention seeker, you wouldn't try and run away from your friends. You just need to express yourself, and where could you do it better than here, on your blog. Never refrain from telling what's in your mind, we're always here for you.
I've had that time too, avoiding lunch with my friend, and walking around with an apple instead. But eventually, I learned how to be close to them again. And it was all for the better. Believe it or not, but when I started having lunch again with all of them (I know it may not be related, and that, for lunch I was only eating carrots, but well), I started losing more weight again. Maybe it was because my aim was clearer. I knew they were paying attention to me, and it made me want to lose more... maybe for them to notice, I don't know.
What I mean is that it could be a good thing for you to try to get close to them again :)
Oh please, don't cut yourself. Please please please.
I'm sending you a big hug ! xX
I love those pictures. I'd love to look like that, even though I probably never will. And yeah, my little sister--she's 9-- thinks she's fat and sometimes will say she doesn't want food because of my eating habits. It makes me so sad, when I was her age I didn't really care about my size. It's so sad that people so young can think about that.... I wish I could take it all away. I feel like I deserve eating disordered hell, but no one else does.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better soon. I know that lethargy and it's so hard. <3
That story is terrifying. I know my ED started at 6, but still, I think that is what terrifies me of having kids. Imagine if they picked up on it. I'd feel so bad.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your appointment. I agree that cutting on other places rather than the arms doesn't have the same effect. I'm trying to get out of cutting the arms but it's so hard because that's more of a comfort. x
I used to work at a summer camp and some of the 10 year old girls would get diet coke at lunch because that's what I drank and they wanted to be like me. I'm absolutely terrified about having children. I want kids someday but I don't want to stop purging or restricting and you can't have it both ways. Stay strong love, you're stronger than you think xx
ReplyDeleteThat is really very sad about the six year old, but I believe it. My sister is 8 and she says she can't eat or she will get fat, and uses the Wii and treadmill to work out all the time. She is skinny but I don't think she is sick as she still does eat, even junk, but it's the start of something. When I visit she even says she can't eat because she's vegetarian like me (she isn't). It's just so worrying.
ReplyDeleteYou aren't pathetic or attention-seeking by the way, you are lovely. Good luck getting your blood results back. Please don't hurt yourself sweetie, it will be ok :)
Alice xx
8% of first grade girls in America wish they were thinner. It breaks my heart.
ReplyDeletePlease be strong for both of us. I hate to think of you cutting, crying, being in any amount of pain. I love you dearly and I don't know where I'd be without you. I know all you want is to not think about food, but with my new meds I don't think about it too much when I eat but then later on I feel so shitty because i've gained, i've become bloated and massive and I had absolutely no control over it. I love you sweetie don't ever forget that <3