The doctor was stupid. I wish I didn't go.
I tried to explain it was the depression and thoughts that were worrying me and not the purging. But as I guessed he concentrated mostly of the purging once I confirmed I had no immediate plans to act on my suicidal thoughts, and that none of my cuts required hospital attention.
He basically said he didn't like to give out any medication and that I should think about whether I'd like counselling or a psychologist, and he booked me in for a blood test on Wednesday to test my electrolyte levels.
I'm meant to go back the same time next week so he can give me my blood test results and we can discuss where I want to be referred to.
I don't want to go.
I went for my friend, not that she even came with me. She texted me 15 minues before saying she'd gone home and asked me to still go even though she wasn't there. I didn't reply because I was trying not to have a breakdown before the appointment. It's now been almost two hours since the appointment and she hasn't texted me again to ask if I went or if I'm okay or what happened.
I don't even know why I bothered going to 'make her happy' or 'get her off my case', she clearly doesn't give a shit about me.
I don't think I want to go back for the blood tests. When I left he said 'don't worry, I'm sure we can sort this all out for you and you'll be able to stop soon'.
He barely even asked about my depression. I don't really care if the purging stops or not.
I don't know whether to go for the blood test or not.
I just want to starve and restrict and disappear. I want to get really skinny. So skinny that I matter.
He didn't ask what my weight was. Clearly just by looking at me he could see I wasn't in any danger.
Before the stress of the doctor I'd barely purged for a week (I only purged when I ate this dodgy school vegetable bake which made me feel ill, and it was either purge or feel sick for hours and then throw up later unvoluntarily). So I mean I think I had it under control.
For the first time in months I've been feeling like I could actually get the purging under control. Until the stupid doctor stressed me. When I got back I ate an entire pack of chocolate fingers, then purged until stomach acid came out and I thought my head was going to explode and I could taste blood from my nails stratching my throat.
How is that level of stress meant to be helpful? The doctor was a bad idea.
I (well actually my beautiful friend Rayya) worked out that to reach my goals I need to lose around 3lbs a week. Totally achieveable. Hard, but not impossible. Not if I try. I lost more than that in less time from just three days of being vegan. It will be hard to not plateau, but not impossible.
With her by my side I really hope I can be okay. The vegan thing really seemed to work.
I just need to stick to it. Not just side tracked.
I want to shrink and disappear.
Sorry I'm not making sense. I'm so worked up after the doctor's.
I love each and every one of you.
Oh huni... I wish I was there for you. I feel so guilty for not being there. Your friend, perhaps she does care but she might have thought that she had helped by making you go to the doctors. Maybe she doesnt realise the enormity of going to the doctor and what it means to you and the effect it has had on you. She must care doll. How could anyone not care about you??
ReplyDeleteYou do matter, you matter to me and to so many others but I cant help feeling that too "I want to be so skinny that I matter"
I am so sorry for encouraging you to go to the doctor.. I wish I hadnt now.. I thought it could be helpful as it has been somewhat helpful to me.. I am so so so sorry - I cant apologise enough.
And yes my darling we can do this, it is completely possible. We can help eachother and I am here for you every minute and second of every day <3
You always make sense! I hope you start to feel better soon, I need you to be ok, love you so so much x
I guess she probably doesn't realise how massive it was for me. I don't really talk to her much anymore, so I can't expect her to know how I'm feeling.
DeleteDon't apologise darling, please stop apologising. I'm glad I went, at least now I know. I would have regretted not going and always wondered if it would have been life changing, haha.
I love you so much. We can do this.
I'm scared to weigh myself this morning because I'm on my period and bloated like a bullfrog, but I might gather the courage later and see how close I am to the 3lbs per week mark.
Love you.
I'm so proud of you for going, even though it didn't turn out well. Maybe get the bloods done, just to make sure things are as they should be? GPs aren't so great with these things, but if he refers you on, a counsellor or therapist might take your depression on board. GPs aren't always equipped to deal with these things ( and over here they're losing resources and can't refer people on as easily), but if he's offering for you to see a therapist, maybe consider it and see if they can help more with the depression.
ReplyDeleteLove you, hope youre okay xx
Thanks. I might go tomorrow to get the bloods done, I can't help feeling like if my blood tests come back messed up then they'll take me more seriously, but at the same time if they are messed up then they'll completely ignore the depression and only think about the purging. It's clear he prioritised that when he made his notes.
DeleteBut yeah, maybe a counselor could help, I don't know. I don't know how I'm feeling about it right now.
Thank you so much for your comment, love you too.
be proud for going, that takes a lot of determination. the doctor sounds ridiculous to me.
ReplyDeleteThanks darling.
DeleteI am not gonna lie I got mad at your so called friend just reading this. Seriously? How can you do that to someone or anyone for that matter. If you say you are gonna be there for them you need to be there. Please don't tell me this is this is the super skinny ana one. Then I will go from mad to being pissed.
ReplyDeleteAs for that doctor. I wouldn't go back to him anyway because he was not listening to you and I don't like that. You are battlening depression and he offers a therapist. What the fuck dude. He could give you some meds to help clam you down and have you go to a therapist at the same time. Then as the therapist starts to see improvement they can slowly whine you off the meds. Does that make sense to you what I just said? Makes sense to me.
Anyway you are paying this doctor and he should have listened. I will not go back to doctor if I feel like they are not listening. I work to hard fr my money to pay you and insurance for you not to listen to me.
I am glad to hear becoming vegan is helping you a lot. I know that is really hard to do at times. You are awesome girlie. Remember that. Thanks for the love on my last post. I felt so loved :-)
It was the super skinny friend yeah.
DeleteAbout 6 hours after my appointment she texted me again just saying 'why didn't you reply?' so I told her I really didn't feel like talking so I'd talk to her later, and she didn't even reply to that. I think I need to stop convincing myself she cares about me.
What you said made exact sense, that was what I was expecting really. Some kind of low dosage of meds to calm me down, and then maybe a therapist or something to see if they can help.
Also the therapist he suggested is a charity service in a church hall, he clearly didn't even think I needed help and didn't want to send me somewhere that costs money. I don't know whether to go back tomorrow for blood tests or not. Something in my mind is saying 'mess up your blood so much they have to care' but in reality I'll probably be fine and then he'll do nothing about it.
Thank you. Other than stress induced binges and purges I've actually stuck to being vegan much better than I thought I would. It's like my whole diet consists of safe foods so I can't go wrong.
Aw thanks darling. Love you.
Hey, it was inconsiderate of your friend to just leave you there and not conatact you about it, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't care about you. Maybe she was trying to give you some privacy or didn't realise that you needed her there. I'm sorry it was so stresful for you.
ReplyDeleteIf you do decide to see the psychologist you can explain to them that your depression is bothering you and they will try to help you. I wish the best whatever you choose.
Also, when you say you want to be so skinny that you matter, that explains how I feel exactly. But of course you matter, I hope things work out for you hun. Take care <3
Alice xx
Thank you, I'm not really sure whether or not I want to go back yet, but if I do then I'll definitely try to make it clear I didn't really care about the purging.
DeleteThanks, I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling like that. And darling, you do matter. I love you blog and everything about you.
I am so proud of you for going to the doctor. That took a lot of courage. I think you should go back.... And.... i'm just gonna be straight up here.
ReplyDeleteYou are not okay. If you can purge from just thinking about the doctor, then you are only giving your self the false illusion that you're okay. But you're not. I think you should really go back, because it could help. Please. I love you so much, i'd hate to see anything happen to you.
Remember, They can't make you do anything you don't want to do, unless you're in danger. I can assure you the doctor didn't say anything about your Bulimia, NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT SICK ENOUGH but because he could probably tell something was up. Don't think he didn't care. I have never met you and I care. Sorry I had to be away with no internet access when you went to the doctor. I wish I could you have been there for you. You deserve at least that. But as soon as I get back, i'll make up for it, I promise.
I'm so sorry love. You are beautiful and I love you. Be safe, and take care.
im mad at your friend for not supporting you and mad at the doctor for missing the point. i want to give you a massive hug. your comments are holding me together and you deserve the right help to hold you together too so i hope the gp realises whats going on. its persephone. i was found. please find me you mean the world to me, my blog is on my blog list if you click on 'nina of the night'. xxx
ReplyDelete