Blood tests

I never actually wrote about my blood test earlier. Obviously it was only a blood test, I haven't even got the results so it wasn't important, but there were a few things I wanted to share.

First, the nurse who took my blood sample is the same nurse who's been my asthma nurse for quite a few years now. I naively expected it to be a different nurse.
It felt weird. She's known me for years, I mean she must have lots of patients so she probably doesn't remember me, but I remember her. She's always been sweet.
When I went in it was clear she hadn't read my record yet. She smiled really sweetly and offered me a seat, then confirmed I was in for the blood test.
Then she clicked on the screen and was in the middle of saying "what's it for then?" when she read whatever horror was written on her screen and her face fell.
Then she asked to see my arms to check my veins. I tried to just take the left side of the jumper off and just give her that arm, but she insisted on seeing both, so reluctantly I showed her my right arm, absolutely covered in three day old cuts. She didn't say anything, clearly she read on her notes that I'd told my doctor about the self harm. But she looked so sad, it broke my heart.
She was so sweet, she didn't seem to judge me or make any sly comments, it broke my heart.
After she'd taken the blood while I lay on the bed sipping water I almost started crying, just by how sad she looked. So sympathetic. And when I was leaving she asked how I was feeling because I was shaking, then asked "do you have any food on you? I think you should eat something." I told her I would buy something from the shop, but I know she didn't believe me.
I think she might have a daughter in my year. I'm not sure if she goes to my school or not, it's just one of those bits of information you know, but have no idea how. Or maybe she's someone's aunt, either way I couldn't help but feel like she compared me to her daughter/niece.
I wonder how they are.
How many other girls at my school are suffering?

I know three girls who have been hospitalised for anorexia at my school.
One of them was in and out of treatment for three years. She was my friend before she dropped out of school. Not a close friend, I had no idea at all that she was suffering, but close enough that when she disappeared I noticed and was shocked to hear where she went. We used to steal sweets after school and from what I remember she always ate them with me, though she was always generous and gave lots away, maybe I was just oblivious to her starving beside me.
The same with the other girl. She was in loads of my classes. I heard the rumours that spread about her. She started changing in the toilets before PE because everyone would stare at her when she changed, trying to see if she was really as sickly thin as everyone was saying. No one ever asked her if she was okay or tried to help her as I recall. I never either. I feel terrible for it. I never spoke to her, but I should have made the effort.
This was a few years ago. She dropped out of school and never returned, but I'm still friends with her on facebook. She seems recovered, with great friends. But it's terrifying how many people I know just from my school who suffered. I live in a relatively small city. And I know three girls just in my school bad enough to be hospitalised and put in an in patient treatment for months or years.

It's scary how common it is. I mean when I started this blog I never thought I'd find so many likeminded people. As reassuring and nice it is to know I'm not alone, it breaks my heart knowing so many people suffer.

If I don't completely flunk out of school which seems likely if I can't get my brain under control and get the ability to concentrate on anything other than food and hating myself, then I want to be a psychologist. I want to raise awareness of eating disorders, mental illness, self harm, depression. All the things that millions of young people suffer from in silence. If I'd been told about self harm back when I was 13 then maybe it could have been stopped early on. Maybe it wouldn't have worsened and lead to all these other self destructive behaviours. More needs to be done.

I love you all, and if things ever get to be too much, please please email me: mystruggleforperfection@hotmail.co.uk