I must be determined to self destruct.
I've stayed up all night, well most of it doing work, I got about three hours sleep. Oh and took a load of laxatives because I actually ate dinner last night. I then went to get a blood test, and walked home again to do more work. I'm refusing to eat or drink despite the fact the blood test has made me feel faint, and I can't help thinking: if I binge and purge now I'm so weak I'll probably collapse.
I want to make myself collapse.
How messed up is that?
It's like I want to see how far I can push my body.
I've always been like that: how far can I push myself.
I do it with cutting, when I know I should stop I'll keep going just a few more, just a bit deeper.
With alcohol it will always be: just one more drink, just one more.
Even when I'm smoking weed I'll know I'm done and I can't take any more, but I'll always have just a few more drags.
I think that's where I'm different from my friends. I mean we all drink a lot, but my distinction is: I never know when to stop.
Sorry this is such a pointless ramble I have so much work to do, and my arm's killing me when I type, I shouldn't be making it worse but typing anything that's not coursework. But I needed a distraction from the urge to completely self destruct.
I'll go now.
I get this too... just 5kg more, just one more drink, just one more cone... I've always known my limits but have never abided by them.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you went to get the bloods done, I hope they come back okay. Take care of you xx
Oh no :( poor you, please dont collapse - at least drink something, please.
ReplyDeleteI never knew when to stop either. Be it alcohol, guys, not eating... extremes seems to be my forte..
Your rambles are never pointless my dear, dont go. Dont ever go.
Love you and wish I was there right now I would type for you and help you any way I could.
<3 x
this is your blog, where else would you ramble :-) ?
ReplyDeleteI have trouble stopping myself sometimes. I hope the tests end up being fine and you feel better now!
typically people with bulimia have always had different issues with never knowing when to stop, just one more drink...or 5. etc. unfortunately until you beat this disease i think it will always be this way :( its so hard... i wonder what its like to be normal and not think about food, weight etc.
ReplyDeletewww.strengthisbeauty13.blogspot.com
I totally get that too, and this is bloody disturbing.
ReplyDeleteBut, please, don't push yourself too hard, if you don't eat, at least drink some juice for the vitamins !
Love you so much ! Don't ever attempt to destroy yourself! It would destroy me as well ! <3
I think maybe, its in some of our nature, when we feel weak or vunerable through depression, ED etc, to push everything to the limit, i do it with cutting too, just a little deeper, a little longer...it never stops, we just have to find that spark of self control to stop, and that strength will come to you, through us, because we are all here to support you xx
ReplyDeleteI know how that is. I do the same thing, I love to see how far I can push myself. It's always been my thing. But I hope the blood tests are okay.
ReplyDeleteI love you!!! Take care, don't collapse!