I used to starve all day, then binge massively when I get home from Sixth Form, and either eat, or binge and purge, until I go to sleep. But now I'm eating during the day, not massive amounts, just a few little snacky things, then I've filled up on these so by the time I get home I'm not hungry at all and all I can do is pick at my dinner.
I'm not sure if I'm losing or gaining weight this way because I'm too scared to weigh myself on days I haven't used laxatives.
On the other hand, I'm losing my muthafuckin' mind.
My friend has stopped caring. I told her, we sat down in an empty classroom, with her eating lasagna and bread (yet she's still the super skinny one everyone worries about), and me eating nothing because I told her I plan to binge/purge eat lunch when I get home, and I told her everything. How depressed I am, how I'm still binging and purging, how I still think about suicide. Her suggestion: "you need to do things which make you happy, then maybe you'll forget about feeling depressed."
When I responded that nothing makes me happy anymore and I don't have the energy to even try anymore, she just said "oh", and gave up.
That's the last time we properly spoke, this was last Tuesday. I thought it might mean she's more there for me, I thought now she knows how depressed I am all the time she might make the effort to talk to me and ask me how I am, but no. She's practically ignoring me now.
I really need her, she's my best friend, and she's just left me.
I keep going for moody evening walks, I've gone on one every night since Saturday night, every time I end up in floods of tears, Monday night was the worst, I couldn't see I was crying so hard, I walked for over an hour and was still crying when I got home. I kept seeing cars and almost walking in front of them. My parent's don't care, my dad told me he "likes it better when I stay in my room all day and don't talk to anyone, because that way he doesn't have to put up with me", my mum didn't say anything as I proceeded to put down the jacket potato I was picking at (I ate less than 1/4), walked upstairs, cried for about five minutes, then I went to the toilet and purged the 1/4 of a potato because I couldn't deal with the feelings any more. My parents didn't even bat an eyelid or ask if I was okay.
My friends don't care about me either, I don't think anyone's spoken to me by choice for over a week now.
If it weren't for the people on this blog (Rayya, Cleona and Camille in particular, as the ones who keep me sane on the days I can't even deal with blogging) I would have probably jumped in front of one of the many cars that tempt me on my walks.
So thank you so much to all of you guys, you literally keep me alive.
Oh and also: HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLEONA!! I love you so so so so much, I'd probably be dead without you in my life, when I first started this blog, for ages I only had two followers; you and 'Depressed Skinny Mess', and there were so many days to begin with when I considered giving up on this blog because clearly not enough people cared, but from the very start we had such a great connection, I will never ever forget all the support, encouragement and love you have shown me since the very moment we first started talking.
I love you so much, I hope you have the best birthday ever.
Hey darling.. I am so sorry.. some people dont know how to react to depression, its one of those silence inducing topics. The only person I talk to about it is you girls, and my bf, and of course the health professionals who I have to talk to cos its their job. My bf is pretty much the same, his focus is on cheering me up through ways totally unconnected and seemingly random, at first I thought he didnt care, but after he told me he was trying to make me feel better and think about other things.. So sometimes people dont really know how to act around depressed people (sorry) Its strange isnt it, even I myself dont know how to react. But I am so sorry she is being so.. nonchalant? uncaring? about the whole thing.. I wish I could trade places so I could be there for you and you wouldnt feel so alone and then we could go on those crazy walks together and I would hold your hand (yes like a 5 year old) to stop you from running into traffic. Yes that is what I would do. I miss your face (fuck sake I just typed that and realised I havent yet seen you - sad times!)
ReplyDeleteAs for your parents.. I am sure they care about you, sometimes parents put stuff like that down to "moody teenager" :| I think its the way parents think.. I hope things improve, I wish I lived near you - seriously every day this is what I wish :( Love you loads darling, always here for you and any time those suicidal thoughts pop in your head CALL ME.
Love you! <3
Oh sweetheart - you're friend probably does care but has no idea how severe this is or how much it is upsetting you or how to cope with it - when i was at school i went through similar things, my friends gave up trying to understand because they couldn't. a lot are still too young and cant grasp it, it wont always be like that, you will meet friend who will understand as you get older and more people have been through more experiences. it doesn't make it any easier now, tho, i understand that. so much of what you write i can relate to totally and i wish there was a way i could moody evening stroll alongside you, we could stop and look up and get lost in the stars and chat about crap and not have to pretend.
ReplyDeletei love you, keep going, blogger is all i have at the moment too, i understand how people on here can make a difference, and you make a difference to me xxxx
:( I'm so sorry sweetie... That's so horrible. I lost my best friend too a little bit ago... And even though the relationship was more than messed up... I miss her even still. I'm so sorry you are going through this. But as you mentioned, everyone here is here for you always. We always have your back and want the best for you <3 And maybe she's just taking time to process everything.
ReplyDeleteAs for your family... I am sorry :( That's terrible that he said that. I can't believe he would be so cold. Just hang in there. If not for them or yourself... then hang in there for us <3
-Emma
Hi, I'm fairly new to your blog its been very inspiring to me the past fee weeks.. I'm so sorry that you feel no one cares, its always hard to lose friends but the one thing I've learned is that this is the time of your life where you will learn who is truly there for you and who is there for themselves. I too went through this in high school. It was the hardest thing to go through at the time. I felt like I had no one, that no one cared I lost my best friend when I needed her most. But now just a few years into college it made it easier to make new friends and learn who would be there for me and who I should put my time into to, who was worth it. I have realizedthat they need to want MY time earn MY time. Is still hard because there are less friends, but they are good caring friends. Your a good person you will find amazing friends that will want YOUR time.
ReplyDeleteIts hard now I now, but I think out was with it in the end. I now you find that person soon, and just remember friend are people who care, you may have never actually meet the girls on here but they care better than anyone around you. These girls are true friends.
Your friend sounds just like my friend, Charlie. Everyone worried about her so much when she dropped weight and became a rake. I told her about how depressed I felt and how I had all these issues with eating thinking she'd totally get it and be able to support me. But she was just like 'keep eating healthy stuff that fills you up so you don't binge'. She didn't understand it was a serious psychological issue that I'd been struggling with for years. Meanwhile, she gets to be super skinny, she never ever binges because she 'doesn't see the point', she's an exercise obsessive and everyone worries sick about her all the time. It's not like she can support anyone herself, yet she is the one who gets all the support. Gah. Sorry... personal rant.
ReplyDeleteI sympathise with the moody walk thing, I've been doing that lately too. I get cold and numb and it makes the shit stop for an hour or so but then it just comes flooding back the minute I come inside.
Tons of love, and support. I mean it - any time you feel things are getting too much, you can email me (my address is in the side bar of my blog). I'll always be there to listen and offer advice.
Gabby x