I deleted my last post, everything I write when I'm drunk just sounds pathetic, over the top, and rambling.
Thank you so much to the people who saw it before I deleted it and commented on it though.

I'll recreate last note's post, just without the babble and patheticness.

Just a side note: I'm 125.8 lbs this morning. Which is more than I was on Sunday, but since Sunday I actually went back up to 128 lbs, so I'm so glad it's back down again. Why is it so hard to get under 120?

I discovered a new type of self harm yesterday; using my fingernails to repeatedly scratch at the same piece of skin until it's just raw flesh left.
It's strangely addictive, and much more subtle. I started it when my dad was shouting at me in front of my nan, so I couldn't retaliate, or cry, or go upstairs; instead I just scratched away under my sleeve.
After my nan left he screamed in my face until I had to turn away so he wouldn't see me cry, and all this because I asked him when he was going to move the poisonous chemicals off the chopping board, then he just continued shouting at my back as I stood sobbing.
I hate him.

Also my doctor hasn't got back to me yet, I got my copy of the letter last week, and he said when he got his he'd ring me, but it might just be a hold up, or they forgot to send it to him, I shouldn't care anyway, I don't even want to go to the therapy, I'm a little relieved that I might be able to slip out of this unnoticed,

I also have a male friend of a friend, we only talk when we're both drunk, and I don't know how we first started talking about it (my guess is that I was extremely drunk) but he used to be bulimic. Like he said it's been just over a month since he last threw up, I texted him last night and he told me he's okay now and that things at home are better, but he said he was really worried about me.
But we're not close, I don't think we've ever had a proper conversation sober, so I don't want to let him in. Now I know he's okay I feel bad talking to him, I have a habit of dragging people down with me, I get too dependent on people and tell them about my problems so much that they start adopting my problems too. Three of my closest friends have started self harming because I gave them idea (I never told them to do it, they just saw me do it and copied), and I started my diet with one of my closest friends who I'm too scared to talk to any more because I'm scared she's in as deep as me. We were unhealthy when we started, she bought us diet pills and caffeine pills, I told her about 'pro ana' sites, we spent weeks together just wondering round and doing anything to distract ourselves from eating, all the hours in the gym, close to collapse from a diet of caffeine and water. I remember once we were sat in town, slightly buzzing from diet coke, diet pills and caffeine pills, and we tried to take a photo of something, but we were both shaking too hard to focus, it was terrifying.
When I first started purging I told her in our hotel room in Belgium, she told me she was jealous because she'd tried but couldn't do it.
I purged chocolate in our en suite, I have no idea if she heard. I also tried to purge every meal we ate there, she must have seen me going to the toilet after everything.
Since then we spoke about it once when we were drunk, and she said she's made herself sick about ten times. That was back in June, she's lost weight now.
She's not underweight, but like me, she's lost at least a stone this year.

I'm poison, I'm so sorry to any of you who get triggered by anything I say, I don't mean to.  

That ended up more rambling and pathetic than my last post.
I don't ever plan these posts, I don't know where all this stuff comes from.