My mind isn't cooperating any more.
My body is shifting shape, I can't control it.
I'll starve for days, carefully plan an outfit, spend hours emptying my stomach but I'll still look obese in everything.
But then sometimes, much more rare, I'll eat and spend ten minutes lying on the sofa with the war waging in my head (is it worth the pain of purging 200 calories of beans and rice) feeling as though I've expanded a million times, the rice bloating in my stomach, I'll get up to look in the mirror, and I'll be skinny. Not super skinny, not skinny enough, but actually not as bad as what my head is telling me I should look like.
Those skinny moments scare me more than the obese moments. The briefest flash of hope, the maybe I'm not as fat as I think?, then I'll turn to a different angle, blink, move, and I'll be me again, I'll see the fat and the disgusting mess hiding inside me.
I'm hideous.
I weighed myself before and after purging today.
I lost 2.4 lbs of food and fat and poison.
2.4 lbs of my insides for the whole world to see.
How did I eat 2.4 lbs of food?
My super skinny friend had a stomach bug over the weekend, she said she puked so much she weighed 84 lbs.
When she told me I cried then drunk gin until my brain stopped working.
She promised me she put the weight straight back on and now she's around 100 lbs.
I told her I was really worried and I wanted her to put weight on because she's unhealthy. I lied; I'm just jealous.
The guy I slept with still hasn't replied. I'm never going to get my ring back.
I haven't spent a whole day sober since Tuesday.
Oh and I got my therapy letter today, they want me to go next Wednesday. But it's out of town again, and I don't think I can afford to get there.
Plus I'd have to skip the afternoon of school.
I skipped today, and Friday.
I was meant to have applied to university months ago, the deadline is practically here, I've probably already left it too late, all my friends have got offers and places. I don't even know what I want to study.
I don't care.
I don't even know if I'll still be alive this time next year.
The thought of actually planning for my future makes me want to rip my hair out.
I've decided to take a year out next year, to 'travel and work'.
It's going to be my fucking breakdown year.
I can feel it starting now, but I can't afford to give in, not yet.
Next year after my exams I'm going to disappear.
Oh huni I wish there was something I could do to help you maybe at least try applying to unis? I could help you ? It's much easier applying through UCAS whilst at school/college than after.. Please please please don't give up hope - plus I don't want you to disappear. And if you show the school your letter it won't be skipping school. Trust me.. I love you xx
ReplyDeleteplease don't disappear. I will miss you. I'm here for you, thos moments you see the skinny you are the moments you see the real you. The obese moments are just a mirage, ana keeping her tight grip on you. you Can do this! I care about you!
ReplyDeleteSweetie please try and make that appointment
ReplyDeleteIt is so very important
You are so very important
That is a difficult situation with your friend
But try not to compare yourself to her
Her being skinny does not mean she is better than you
Stay strong my dear x
Please do go to that app! It's important that you do! Comparing yourself to your friend wont help anything, you must concentrate on you, and your goals :) The more time you spend comparing the less time you'll have to spend on yourself and your progress, you know you can achieve it :) xx
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie, it makes me sad that you're hurting so bad and I can't do a thing to help.
ReplyDeletePlease try to make it to the appointment if you can afford it. Like others have said, it's important, and so are you.
I'm sorry you're having so much trouble with this friend lately. Why the hell would she even tell someone that? I would've cried too (though I'd like to say I'd slap her in the face).
Please try to keep fighting sweetheart. You are so worth it. Maybe time off next year will turn out to be a good thing, not just breakdowns and sadness. You'll have time to focus on YOU, not just school and planning for the future.
Love you so so much sweetie xxxx
Thanks for your comment Lovely, they always make me smile :)
DeleteAlso, feel free to comment on anything on my Facebook. I doubt anyone would say anything, I have so many different people on there now!
Love you miss, stay safe xx
Oh Sweety,
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks reading that.
Don't give up, you are stronger than you think.
You are the master of your own life. You decide what you want to do with it. You have to have faith in yourself. If you want to be thin, put your mind into it, and eventually you'll get there, even if the path is long and difficult.
No one is standing in your way but yourself. Once you realize that, you can move forward.
This applies for university, and future-life as well.
If you want to take a year break, take it. But this has to bring you some benefits. This year off has to bring you closer to your goals, and to understanding your needs. Not a year locked out in your room wishing you were better, but not doing anything about it.
I am sorry, if that sounds harsh, it really wasn't my intention. But sometimes, when we're feeling down, we have to wake up and get a hold of ourselves.
Keep fighting.
I love you!
Ps: have you given a thought about my mail regarding uni ?
LOVE YOU LOVE YOU LOVE YOU <3
Hey hun I don't have my blackberry anymore so email me when you get a chance sweetie. I want to know you're alright
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry shit has gone all wrong... I totally understand the skinny moments bit. Some days I can put on an outfit and feel so confident in it for about 5 seconds--but when that fades I feels like I'm busting out everywhere and I'm disgusting. I'm working on it(:
ReplyDeleteI hope you can figure things out... I'm sorting out what I'm going to do about university also, and worrying if I could function normally out there in the real world because I'm barely functioning now.
Think positive, okay? Take deep breaths and maybe do a few minutes of breathing/meditation every morning, clear your head a bit and then try to go on with your day. I hope you can figure everything out babe<3
I understand that. I admire that you even admitted that you were jealous. Most people do not even do that. They keep lashing out at the person they are jealous of. Shoot even I am jealous 84lbs,100lbs. Both sound better than what I have right now.
ReplyDeleteI would not worry about the 2.4lbs of binge food. most of the time even if I watch what I eat by the end of the night I tend to weigh 2-3lbs more than I did in the morning. By the next day it is all gone.
Get all of your skinny friends fat and once they are they will love it!People were mean't to be fat I and all of my friends used to be super skinny now we are fat all we eat is junk food and love being fat.
ReplyDelete