I finally finished my coursework. At 9.30 am on the day it's due, but at least it's done.
Now I only have two pieces to do over Christmas and 2 exams to revise for...

I think I'm a bit more stressed than usual.
I just got up and tried to get ready, then discovered my sister's used up all my face wipes and hasn't replaced them. Which is annoying but I went stupidly crazy. She's not in the house (she's at a hospital appointment, so it would be a bit mean to ring her and shout at her) so instead I just stomped around for a bit, until I found myself in the kitchen pouring myself some vodka and diet coke (according to MFP one shot of vodka is 69 calories, is that right?). Before 10 am. Definitely the earliest I've ever drank alone in my room.
But it's not enough to get drunk, which is okay because I have a lesson in an hour.
I've been drinking too much recently, and given my habit of jumping from one destructive coping mechanism to another I really hope this stops soon. Christmas probably isn't the best time to cut down on drinking, and I'm going to Holland in a couple of weeks, where I'm actually legally old enough to drink, but maybe in January I'll try and cut down a bit. Drinking before 10 am probably isn't ideal.

I'm hoping to fast today, though tonight I'm meant to be going out (my friend turned 18 in October and still hasn't been properly clubbing, so we're going out and getting her really drunk. Plus she's a friend I actually really like going out with. She's not blonde, and though she's probably skinnier than me, I never get jealous of her, when I'm out with her I don't feel like she's competition because she's better than me, I just enjoy being with her because she's hilarious) so I might have to eat something small just to stop myself dying. I have really bad experiences when I drink too much on an empty stomach (like trying to win my ex back with sex, kissing every male in a party, and crying on bathroom floors kind of bad experiences: all of these done after my ex dumped me and I stopped eating), and I don't know my limits at all, I have the 'all-or-nothing' attitude, I can never be too drunk. Plus I got the day off work tomorrow (they gave me a paid day off as a Christmas present, I love my job) so knowing I can be hungover will mean I never stop drinking.

Today is pay day. I can finally go Christmas present shopping. I know what I'm buying for everyone though, so it's okay, I can just run around manically buying everything.
I'm still under 126 lbs. 125.2 lbs this morning. I'm so glad I'm not over 9 stone any more, but I seem to be maintaining at just under.
It was better than maintaining at 128, 131 and 134 lbs. But still annoying. I hoped to be 112 lbs by New Year, but that's quite unrealistic.
Yesterday was the kind of day I had months ago when I lost loads of weight. I didn't eat breakfast, but at lunch I ate some kind of pasta salad I bought from a shop (which actually had about 500 calories, but it was the Christmas dinner at school, so my friends made me buy something so I could be sociable and eat lunch), than ate a healthy dinner (probably between 400-600 calories) which I purged, then just stuck to black coffee and water all evening, until the red wine anyway. I've been hating myself for the pasta salad, but thinking back even with the dinner I purged it was under 1000 calories.

I think I can just give up on stopping the purging, at least until the CBT starts in January, and he asked me three times in the assessment if I wanted to lose weight, had lost weight, or started purging to lose weight; every time I lied because I just don't want them to decide I have an eating disorder and insist on helping me with that, and end up ignoring my depression.
I don't want the eating disorder to go, not until I'm skinny. So admitting it would achieve nothing. He'll try and 'fix me' when I don't want it fixed, and the problems (self harm and depression) which are actually affecting me would get ignored and just worsen.
Anyway, what I mean is I kind of hope based on yesterday, I want to go back to restricting then purging dinner. Which is probably purging type anorexia, but it's got to be better than bulimia. I just really hope I can keep it up. I've been binging less recently, most of my purges have been meals for the past couple of weeks, though I have still had a few binges.

Wow, I ramble so much. I'll try and catch up on all of your blogs now, but I only have 10 minutes until I have to leave for school.
Love you.