Amsterdam

In a few hours I'm going to Holland for New Year.

On boxing day I had another one night stand. With that guy I was kind of seeing at the start of summer. The one who took me on dates for coffee and the cinema, then just stopped talking to me.
I was at a party with him and he finally apologised and we got talking.
And after flirting for a while we kissed for a bit (we were both really drunk by this point) and he offered me drugs (MD/MDMA, I think they're the same thing. Basically powdered ecstasy) and I took some. Then I ended up back at his (the only time I ever took it before I think I took too much and I had a panic attack and didn't leave my tent for a whole night at a festival, so at least the drugs didn't have that effect this time). There was a bit in between the kissing, the drugs and the sex, I guess. We had a long talk, but I don't even remember what about. I was too honest, and he was too nice, clearly just to get me into bed. Just like the guy I lost my virginity to did.
I'm a slut.
And the guy I lost my virginity to has been boasting about it and making stuff up. Apparently he's telling people he "made me scream" which is fucking bullshit. It was my virginity, it hurt. It did not feel good. And his entire family were home and had no idea I was staying there until I saw them in the morning, because I was scared to even speak above a whisper in case I woke them. So no I did not fucking "scream". It was silent and painful.
It's just an embarrassing thing for him to say. Like it's not exactly like he's saying anything bad about me, more just making stuff up so he sounds better, but it makes me sound... unlike me.

So I've only ever had sex with two people, both within weeks of each other, both one night stands.
I'm gross.
Like what is wrong with me? Am I that desperate for attention that I'll sleep with anyone who's interested?
The answer is clearly yes.
Especially the guy on boxing day. Twice before I've been 'seeing him', we weren't in a relationship or anything at any point, but on two occasions both a few months apart we were 'dating', and after both times he just stopped texting me.
After the second time I swore I'd never go back there, and then literally first time he properly speaks to me since then I just have sex with him.
Just because I feel like if they want sex then they must find me attractive. I'm pathetic. And needy. And a slut.

I have to wake up in three hours to leave for Holland so I should probably get some sleep. I'm sorry I've been so bad at commenting lately. I love you all. When I get back from Holland on Thursday night, I'll try and catch up and comment more then. Love you so much.