I think looking at food is actually nicer than eating it.
I was just flicking through tumblr and a picture of chicken nuggets and pizza came up, and even though I'm a vegetarian it was really satisfying looking at it.
Similar to binging when you're not hungry. You do it for the comfort not the actual food.
Maybe I should spend more time looking at 'food porn' as people call it.

My mood is so up and down right now, I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'll try and finish my last post.
I'm in a better mood now, I wrote my last post while my phone was being a shit, so now it's working again and I can actually read people's messages I'm feeling better.

Basically the past week hasn't been too bad, or maybe it has. I can't remember.
The scars from where I started scratching myself still haven't gone. They're massive obvious marks so I really hope they fade away soon.

On Friday night I went out. The guy I slept with (he still hasn't spoken to me) was meant to be there, not because I invited him, a mutual friend invited him.
As I got into town I walked past him at the bus station, and I didn't know what to do. My friend didn't know who he was so she just kept talking to me normally and walked past, and I tried to smile at him but he looked down at the floor, so I just walked straight past without stopping.
So I guess he can say I technically ignored him? But really I tried to talk, but he looked down when I tried to make eye contact and smile, so it's his fault. I don't know.
Anyway, that was the only time I saw him, actually that's the only time I've seen him since it happened.
He wasn't out later, which is kind of annoying, I was almost looking forward to having a chance to talk to him properly. Just to clear the air, I hate that it's awkward. It stresses me out so much if I'm ever awkward around someone. I will apologise first in any argument just to avoid awkwardness, haha. In February when I think my depression plummeted and my eating went from irregular to disordered, I drifted massively from one of my friends. She broke up with her boyfriend, and my sister was in hospital after collapsing in front of me. We were both really upset and needed friends, and it made us stop talking in the end. As a mutual friend said "you're sister's illness is more serious, but she's never been through anything like that, so to her breaking up with him is just as bad, because she's never had to deal with what you have."
It became an unspoken battle for attention (attention I didn't want), and ended when I baked her a cake and said I was sorry for not being there for her, even though she never even asked if my sister was okay. I sound so self obsessed there, I swear that sounds worse than it was. It's not like I literally ignored her and didn't comfort her, I just wasn't as attentive as I could have been.

Friday was the day I fasted. I got happily drunk off one drink (though it was this strong cocktail called a Zombie, I didn't order it, my friend did but she didn't like it because it was too strong so I swapped with her) and a free shot (I love this bar, they serve us knowing we're under age and give us free shots).
Happily drunk but not embarrassingly drunk, I got the last bus home and stayed at my friend's house that night (the super skinny friend) and didn't kiss anyone, a true achievement for me when I'm drunk haha.
It made me feel so powerful knowing I could fast. When we got back to hers I checked the time and seeing it was after 12, so I'd gone over 24 hours without food, was the best feeling ever.
I'm going to do another fast tomorrow (today actually it's closer to 1am now). Wish me luck.

Also earlier when I was feeling like crap and my phone wasn't working properly I actually texted my friend (the super skinny one) and told her I felt like crap and I just needed someone to talk to. (This was when my whatsapp wasn't working and my emails aren't working either, normally I talk to other friends I met on here who actually understand me and know how to cheer me up.) She asked if I'd cut or thrown up, and I said I'd just cut because throwing up would mean having to eat something first. She didn't even comment on me cutting, she just checked that I'd eaten today, then stopped replying.
She literally has no clue what's wrong with me. If she thinks because my mum made me eat some dinner tonight then I'm okay, then she's so wrong. It was the fact that I've eaten today which gave me the breakdown, so saying she's glad I ate does nothing to help the fact I reached out to her because I'm having a really bad evening.
She doesn't understand what bulimia is. She thinks as long as I'm eating then I must be fine. I told her the other day (when I was drunk) that she needs to think more about what she says to me. On Wednesday I ate some bread for lunch, and while I was fighting the urge to purge she made some comment about how skinny this girl is in my school, I think I cried later that day over that comment. She just doesn't realise that everything is triggering.

I don't know where all this ramble comes from. Of anyone actually reads this they deserve an award. I have my first CBT session on Wednesday (if I go), so maybe after that I'll be able to write a semi-positive post. I feel so bad being to depressing and self obsessed all the time.
The people who still take the time to read and comment deserve awards.
Love you.