Ramblings of a fat girl

I didn't throw up at all today.
I also didn't eat very healthily. Kind of a guarantee that I've put on weight really; but I'm quite glad I'm getting out of the habit of throwing up.

I spoke to my sister in an almost serious conversation today. She's worried about my mum too. I know my mum's so stressed, but I can't deal with hearing my mum comment on suicide when she's drunk in the evenings anymore. I won't go to university next September if she doesn't stop soon. I'm not going to leave her alone with my dad, not unless he gets some serious help. I'd be too scared to come back to my mum dead. Every time she has a bath I have to knock on the door every 10 minutes to check she hasn't cut her wrists in the water. I really can't deal with this much longer.
I wish I could go to a councellor too, my sister goes weekly and comes back looking so relieved every time. I'm going to snap soon, my whole family think I'm a heartless, emotionless bitch because I never react in bad situations. They should see my arms if they think I'm coping.
I realised today that the word 'fat' has scarred on my thigh from when my dad first told me I eat too much. I didn't think I cut it deep enough to scar, but it's there, bright white and raised. A constant reminder of why I'm enduring all this to make myself good enough.
I also spent my evening sneakily drinking gin, I don't even know why, I didn't even drink enough to get particularly drunk. There was just something comforting in feeling lightheaded and dreamy without anyone else knowing there was anything different.

I know all my posts have become really rambly and self obsessed recently. I swear that from tomorrow onwards I will start posting my food diary and exercise diary on here. I need to do something to actively keep track of what I'm eating.

Thank you to everyone who actually reads my ramblings, and thank you for being here when I need advice everytime. I don't know what I'd do without the support of this community. I seriously owe you my life.