Saturday

I felt like I was going to pass out a moment ago.
I was downstairs in a room with my entire family, and as I got up to walk into the kitchen everything started to spin, I had to press my face against the wall and hold on for support. It didn't take long for the feeling to pass, but when I looked up not a single family member had noticed. My sister was still talking to me, and didn't notice I'd stopped replying. It was such a weird feeling, I almost feel like I'm becoming invisible. I never spend any time with my family any more. I revise in my room or at a friend's house. I only come down to eat or watch TV. I've even started eating in my room when I'm revising, so I can throw away any food I don't want, and so I'm closer to the bathroom to throw up afterwards. It's so much easier to cut myself off from my family. Every time I go downstairs and talk to my dad he ends up reducing me to tears and I cut more often than I would if I'm left alone.
When I move out, or go on a gap year with my only friend who can distract me from everything and actually make me feel like I'm worth something, I will be so happy to be free of my family; mainly my dad.
I told him if he doesn't stop smoking weed all the time I'm never going to visit him again once I leave home, and that he will never see my future children. He said that was my decision and there's nothing I can do to make him quit. I actually think I hate him. When I was ten I used to fantasize about killing him, just so my mum would be happy.
Another rant, I'm sorry. I'll update later when my intake which so far today is 2 calories (from black coffee).