Hanging

I am never drinking again. Shit shit shit. I actually feel like I'm dead.
I physically have nothing left to throw up. This has been my first throwing up hangover since I started making myself sick. It's weird how normal it feels to me. Except now I can even keep down half a glass of water. This dehydration is what's making me feel so shit.
I drunk way too much considering I threw up all my food before I started drinking, so I had a completely empty stomach. Plus I mixed all my drinks because my friend invented a new 'fun' drinking game. Gin, vodka, rum, lager and cider do not make a pleasant combination.

I hate being that drunk, it wasn't even a party, just a small gathering, and I ended up kissing three out of the five guys there. I actually feel disgusting and cheap. By the end of the night I could barely walk so two of the guys walked me home. I kind of kissed them both alternately on the walk, it was horrible, I feel like some kind of prostitute. Plus once I got home I rung one of them, from what I remember of the conversation I basically told him I wanted to sleep with him, then we chatted on skype for ages, and thank god the lighting was bad because I was only in my bra.

I hate how much of a slut I can be when I'm drunk. Last year this creep molested me while I was passed out from drinking too much, two of my friends walked into the room and saw him with his hand down my top, and just assumed I was conscious and that I wanted to be with him, so they went upstairs and left us alone.
I still don't know if anything else happened while I was passed out, the thought of it makes me feel sick.


On the plus side I am far too hungover to even consider eating. I'm going back to my nan's house in a bit, when I can move without being sick. She's gone to my uncle's house for the day, and told me to cook myself something. I should be able to just avoid food all day. When I weighed myself this morning I was 122lbs. I know once the alcohol's out of my system and I've drunk some water it will probably go back up, but if possible I'm keeping it down to 122lbs for as long as possible. Once I'm under 120lbs I'll finally feel like I'm getting somewhere.

SHIT! Because I'm at my nan's my mum's been sleeping in my bed for the past week. I just realised that the 'goal weight' reminder that I stuck on my bookshelf is so noticable when you're sat in my bed. My mum must have surely noticed the massive '95lbs' surrounded in patterns to make it stand out. As much as she supports my diet, even she won't be happy that my goal is to have a BMI of 15.8 or lower.
She hasn't said anything about it to me yet, so I just hope she doesn't make out what it means.