Crazy

He didn't ring.
Yesterday he said he was going to a house party near my house and he'd ring me when he got there and let me know if it was any good so I could come and meet him if it was worth it. He said he'd ring me either way just so I knew what was happening. It's 11.20pm, no fucking phone call.
I texted him at 6 just asking how his last day of work experience went. He didn't fucking reply.
Today was only a semi agreed day of maybe seeing me so I can't be too angry that he didn't ring me, but tomorrow he said we're definitely going for drinks. If he doesn't reply to me tomorrow either what the hell am I meant to do?
I hate people. Actually fucking hate them.
I haven't let myself like anyone since my ex. Not properly like. I've always been withdrawn and not allowed myself to believe they could like me back. But then he fucking made me feel special, just to fucking crush me back down in less than 24 hours. Yesterday I was actually happy. I mean really genuinely happy. I went to sleep smiling, actually smiling uncontrollably. It's the happiest I've been for months.
Now I feel worse than I have for months, I'm never letting my guard down again. My friend texted me to ask if I was at the party yet. I couldn't even reply, I just wanted to cry. Then my sister texted to ask if I was out because she saw one of my friends in Wetherspoons and wanted to know if I'm with her. I couldn't reply to that either. I'm too embarrassed. I'm just the fat, ugly loser who nobody wants to be seen with.
I've been ready since 7pm. My makeup was perfect, I tried on every single outfit in my wardrobe, I actually felt pretty.
I'm an idiot.

I'm still trying to not self harm. I haven't since Tuesday/Wednesday. Which isn't long but I'm trying. I've just spent about 20 minutes scratching and biting myself. I'm literally going crazy. I'm covered in little red scratches and teethmarks. I look like a mental patient. I need to purge, but I haven't eaten since 7pm, I won't have any undigested food, all I'll be doing is throwing up my diet pill so it won't work.
I need to self harm. What do people do without it? I don't understand how people function without that release?

I keep getting texts or emails from other people, then I'll check my phone so quickly thinking it's finally him. But it never is. I'm actually pathetic. I considered suicide a minute ago. I genuinely considered suicide because a guy didn't reply to my text. What the fuck have a become? I'm actually pathetic.

Sorry about this. I just needed a self harm distraction, and this has worked for about 15 minutes actually.
I expect by tomorrow I will be covered in scars and will have spent the night crying. Why am I so weak? Why have a spent the entire night sitting staring at my phone instead of distracting myself and doing some productive.
My friend just texted me and asked "Are you free? Ring me?" She clearly knows that he didn't meet me, and I know she's out with this guy at the moment, I bet she got with him, and wants to 'discuss it' and rub it in my face that she can get guys whereas I'm home alone crying myself to sleep. In an earlier text she said she was drunk off two vodka and cokes. I know it shouldn't annoy me, but it's clearly because she weighs about 95lbs and pretends she's eating normally, but I haven't seen her finish a meal for months (I should be concerned but I'm too jealous to want to acknowledge she might be ill, I'm actually a horrible person). She's everything I want to be, and right now I would rather die than have a heart-to-fucking-heart with her about how she got with some guy who's fucking ugly and weird anyway. Okay I'll admit I'm jealous. I hate it.
She's been 'on a break' with her boyfriend (the horrible cheating one) for one day, and already she's getting on another guy. Whereas I've been single since September, and guys don't even return my texts.

Oh my god, I'm just going to leave now. I sound like an utter cow. Please ignore this entire post. By tomorrow I know I'll ring through this and delete it in embarrassment.