I just found this post in my drafts, I wrote this on Saturday night, the same night I really started to consider recovery. This post is terrifyingly logical:
"I just got drunk alone in my room again.
I've been thinking a lot about recovery.
I'm horribly torn between being healthy and 'normal' or just ignoring health and getting skinny.
Yesterday when I was with that guy he said my body was 'gorgeous'. And thinking about it maybe he wasn't just being polite. Maybe being a healthy BMI is a good thing.
Some guy I met on a chatroom said the other day that if a guy likes someone, they really won't care about their body. He made me doubt my happiness of being skinny for the first time in months. I've been reading a few recovery sites, and every single one says that one of the first steps is realising that your weight does not determine your life. It never ever occurred to me before reading them.
I base my life around whether or not I feel skinny.
Yet no guy I've ever spoken to has ever said that weight matters in girls."
At that point I think I got too overwhelmed by what I was writing and I ditched this post.
What are your views on recovery? Is it something you want, or something you're scared of?
I still don't feel like I'm even ill enough to recover. But I'm sure everybody has considered recovery, I know a few people are trying to recover right now; I am so unbelievably proud of you guys for taking control.
Please let me know what you think everyone?
Huni,I know I know I know ok you may have a healthy BMI - Mine is healthy too although I dont consider myself "anorexic" I know my mind state is not healthy, the way I think about food is not healthy, I have been below 90 before I have been eating nothing and exercising for 4 hours a day before and people calling me emaciated.. The state of mind I am in now is no different from then. The difference now is that I have a bf that wants me to "recover" and I tried to recover, got my BMI into healthy cos the doc said I should.. and I realised it doesnt matter how much weight I lose or gain. Whether my BMI says healthy or underweight.. It doesnt matter because my thinking is still messed up. As long as thats not fixed then how am I fixed?
ReplyDeleteI would love to recover.. But I fear it. I have had this for 11 years and I guess I fear recovery. I tried it and now I feel fat whatever people say. I kind of want to (like you) eat healthy stuff, stuff I can bear to eat and exercise more..
Good luck with everything, whatever you decide I believe you can do anything you put your mind to and you have my full support x
Oh and also, yeh if a guy loves you all he wants is you to be happy and healthy. My bf loves me I know this. At the beginning of our relationship I was 90lbs and now I am 132.. 40lbs heavier and I still know he absolutely adores me and tells me I am perfect every day.
So yeh if a guy cares, he will love you no matter what you weigh, the real question is, will you love yourself no matter what you weigh? x
Much love doll, sorry for the super long comment! My bad :\ x
There is NO SUCH THING as 'not ill enough to recover'. If anything, it makes it harder as you become 'sick enough'. The lower your weight gets, the more you'll need to gain back one day. I'm so scared of gaining all the weight I've lost back, because I did last year in Involuntary Treatment, and the weight gain wouldn't stop no matter how my intake was cut back or anything. Losing control of weight gain & eating scares me the most. I don't want to 'recover' into overeating and uncontrollable weight gain, and thankfully my doctors aren't pushing either because they know it won't help me.
ReplyDeleteWeight does not determine yourself or your life. I know that you are an amazing, wonderful, caring & kind person, and weight doesn't factor in to what sort of a person you are.
All my love <3
xxBella