But I just drunk half a litre of Pimms alone in my room, and my arm is so cut up and scarred it looks deformed, there's shadows between the cuts from where they're swollen and deep, and I'm just scared. I texted my friend, the one who's boyfriend I argued with, twice but because she's on holiday in France I don't know if she's getting them and I don't want to ruin her holiday so I'm not telling her what's wrong just that I really need to talk to her.
What is wrong with me? I'm a mess.
I've never told anyone this before, but I'm interested to see if anyone cares.
If I don't weigh 95lbs by the new year I'm going to kill myself.
It's a fact that I've now accepted. I know when, where and how. I feel like my diet is going badly because I don't want to reach my goal. I think it might just be an excuse. I'm scared that I just want to die, either through an eating disorder or suicide. I'm not fussed which.
Sorry if I don't make it to new year's.
*massive hugs* I'm reading, I just don't know what to say most of the time. If I ever weigh 50kg+, I won't make it out of the bathroom. Probably the same story when I hit my UGW, but I don't know why. I have a pretty constant deathwish too, which is why I want to move away from the watchful eyes of my family.
ReplyDeleteAgain, I'm lost for what to say that would actually help :( I really hope you make it through new years, though <3
Much love
xxBella
Thank you. All these comments come through as emails to my phone, and even though I haven't been able to reply I read this and you really did save me. Just knowing that somebody cares really means a lot, so thank you.
DeleteI am reading, I spilt alcohol onto my laptop so its just about w9orking.. I guess we are both a bit of a mess :\ I hope you make it to new years, I just made a pact with my best friend that we have to get to our gws by new years.. I want you to get to where you want to be and above all to be happy.. My arms are the same.. They still look red and raw and raised after a year of not cutting.. I wish you could not cut... But I am a hypocrite. And I apologise, I wish there was something I could say to make it better. Just know that I am here anytime you want to talk or whatever just message me or anything I will always have time for you <3
ReplyDeleteMuch love xx
Thank you. I've split alcohol everywhere, my whole room sticks of Pimms, which is disgusting after a while.
DeleteI hope you're doing well too, thank you for everything.
You're so not letting all that bring you down like this.
ReplyDeleteI'm certainly not allowing you harming yourself so badly !
Dying always seems the easiest answer. But it's not. It's a proof you've let things win over you! You're a strong girl. You have to convince yourself of that.
You can start a new like over. You can reach your UGW, you can be beautiful (and I'm pretty sure you already are),you can make new friends, you can have control. But you know what ? If you really want all that, you have to work for it.
No one ever said it was going to be easy. But the results are worth it !
Would you prefer your family who loves you and friends to remember you as a failure who quit the battle or as a wonderful woman who has always did the best she could to reach her goal ?
We're all having hard times, but we're all fighting to get through it. You cannot let us down.
And please, answer quickly, I'm worried sick about you !
LOVE <3
Sorry about the slow reply. I read all these replies but I didn't have the energy to reply until now.
DeleteI'm sorry I was having such a weak day. I'm much more motivated now after trying on various festival outfits, and I'm truly ready to work for this, and refuse to let life bring me down.
Thank you for being so supportive, I don't know what I'd do without you.
Hey sweety, please don't don't hurt yourself. We are all here for you, you have our support, whether or not you reach your goal. I'm sure you can do it, it just takes time.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you are having some trouble with your friend but you know it will pass, it's not worth hurting yourself over, you can't change it.
By the way, I read all your posts, I'm just not very good at commmenting, but I am here and listening *hugs*.
Take care of youself hun.
Alice xx
Thanks, it means a lot that you're there for me.
DeleteI think things are sort of better now, I'm in a more stable sense of mind now anything.
But honestly, thank you so much for your comment.
Of course we care. I didn't see your last post because I was at work and I just got home and saw this.
ReplyDeleteYou can't leave yet. There are so many more things for you to do and see. Don't know how or when but I know it will happen.
I understand somewhat were you are coming from. I started thinking about death in the 3rd grade. I just hated everything around me but curious to see how I would turn out is the only thing that kept me going.
Just keep trying you may never know. Maybe you will get thin and get to your 95lbs.
*hugs* See you on the next post.
Thank you. I'm feeling a bit more positive today. I'm trying to rethink everything, it's unhealthy how messed up everything is at the moment. I need to be more healthy and not let everything overwhelm me so much.
DeleteThank you for your comment, you're such a great friend to me. I don't know what I'd do without you.
I understand how you are feeling. I'm sorry to just pop in here. I just found your blog. I will continue reading and offering support if you'd like some. I've been in the same spot. Completely out of my mind and suicidal. Please keep reaching out...even if this is the only place you have to do it. People do care. Take care of yourself and please don't hesitate to email if you need a chat with a caring stranger. <3 Jade
ReplyDeleteThank you. I know, I just realised then how kind people can be. The friends I've made online are more amazing than anyone I know in person, no matter how bad things get I can always find someone to talk to who can help me. It's so great how lovely everyone on this blog is.
DeleteThank you so much. I'll always be here if you want anyone to talk to too.
I understand hun. Please try to be safe.
ReplyDeleteI can't sat don't cut but I can say make sure you clean it properly. I'm so sorry things are going down for you at the moment. But everything gets better, you just have to hold out for that turning point.
*Hugs* Xo. Stay tough, Hun.
I had a shower after I cut because it always means it heals quicker, so it's fine now.
DeleteI'm feeling much better now, thank you so much.