I think that declaration was the moment my eating turned into the screwed up mess it is today.
Since that day when I started obsessing over food everything has gone downhill, I've pushed all my friends away, and lost ALL control over what I eat. My binging and purging has become ridiculous. Right now I'm fighting the urge to purge the eight salad leaves I ate for dinner.
My intake on the day I wrote the diary entry was 607 calories. I was heartbroken that day. I remember hating myself for eating "so much". Today I've eaten thousands of calories with no control, food I don't even like, just because I wanted to purge but didn't have anything nice to binge on first.
Day three contains the statement "Every time I exceed my calorie intake from what it should be, I will self harm. I need to punish myself." Day fucking three into my diet. I never looked back through this diary before to read what I put. It was in the days before I had this blog, so it's the very early feelings I had.
All my calorie intakes are pretty low though. Never over 1000 calories, generally between 200-400 calories.
I want to get back to what I was eating then. All the healthy foods and salads in my food logs are what I need now. Not entire packs of cookies which were thrown up. Just pure spinach and rice cakes. All day, every day.
I went on a jog this morning though. I was talking to Cleona last night, and she sent me this link encouraging a more healthy approach to weight loss. It was so inspirational that I set my alarm for six, and actually got my lazy ass out of bed and went for a jog. Not a run because they always make me feel sick from exhaustion and then I want to sleep for the rest of the day. I was feeling great about myself until around lunchtime when the mass of binging and purging happened. But not every day can be perfect. Since I last purged at about 3.30 all I've eaten is half a single piece of pasta, and some leafy salad. Probably less than 20 calories. I even took a diet pill afterwards. I want that kind of control every time I eat.
I'm still unsure as to whether or not to go to my doctor about my depression or throwing up. After months of biting around the bullet I went for it and told my friend I thought I was depressed (I was drinking alone in my room at that point and crying which probably lead to my honesty), instead of her asking why I thought that she just said that she thought it was likely and I should definitely go to the doctor. Apparently I always look really upset and I never speak any more, I was convinced no one had noticed my depression.
Has anyone ever been to the doctor about bulimia? I want some form of support to stop the throwing up, but I really don't want to be forced into treatment where I'm made to eat 'healthily'. Plus I don't think I meet any physical criteria of concern for eating disorders, so I don't think I could be made to recover as I'm physically no danger to myself at the moment.
On Sunday I went a bit weird. I was meant to be volunteering in the afternoon, but when I tried to get up I was too tired to move. I slept in for a bit, then got up to use the bathroom. I thought I was going to throw up so I was knelt by the toilet, then I kind of blacked out and ended up slipping in and out of consciousness on the bathroom floor for about 45 minutes before I properly woke up and went downstairs to tell my mum I was ill. I don't know if it's because of the throwing up, diet pills, and just some unrelated illness.
But since then I've been fine so I don't know.
Anyone gone to the doctor about depression? I'm terrified to go, but I think it might help me with some things. At least stop my craziness. I'm fed up of my mood swings and the resultant self harm. I just want to be happy and able to concentrate on something other than weight or hating myself for once.
I want to sort my life out. Be skinny and happy.
I want the perfect life.
I first went to my doctor about 3 years ago.. they didnt really take it seriously, but a few months later I saw a different doctor and she was really helpful. I am on medication for depression and they also offered a counselling service which I declined because of my personal experiences with counselling. I dont think its for everyone, I prefer the approach of a psychiatrist even if it leaves you feeling mentally and emotionally violated after. I also found confiding in my tutors at college and university helped me wonders, they have done so much for me. At university I have been offered all sorts of support: counselling, a personal mentor, a room to go to where I can get away, special considerations around examinations and sitting them in a different room from the other students because of my paranoia.. They also offer me help studying and also offer financial aid for it (which I need to get my ass together and apply for..)So I would really recommend telling your doctor. The anti-depressants I was on really helped me get out of a whole, sometimes we need something. And the response I got from my GP was really helpful and encouraging and I only hope that you will get support and help too - cos there is so much help out there.
ReplyDeleteLots of love xx
Thank you. I might make an appointment for some point next week. I suppose I should do something. Thank you so much, that was such a helpful answer.
Deletehttp://nutritarianrecipes.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeletetry looking at this. It's great to give you ideas for meals, and it makes you want to live a healthy life.
Thanks so much. I need to get more healthy and stop binging on just crappy foods.
DeleteI went to the doctor once about something else and he was like "Do you have depression? Why don't you smile?". They will probably ask you questions about how you feel or ask you to fill out a questionnaire. A doctor is extremely likely to then prescribe anti-depressants. They may also refer you to a psychologist. If you think you have depression sweety you should really try to get some help, it's really common, and now you have an idea of what to expect :)
ReplyDeleteI'm not too sure about how doctors react to and treat eating disorders, it would probably depend on the doctor. Still, it might be a good idea to go see someone and if they aren't very understanding you can always try another doctor.
I hope you're ok.
Alice xx
Thank you. It's nice to know the kind of things the doctors might ask me.
DeleteIve been to a doctor about anorexia and he stated that im not anorexic but EDnos because i restrict like an anorexic and sometimes binge, and workout excessively like a non-purging bulimic. I think a counsellor would be of better help to you because i find that doctors just prescribe antidepressants and send you away. My counsellor made me understand why i do this, and it makes you feel good knowing that you arent as fucked up as you think you are, and makes you deal with the cause of this disease! <3
ReplyDeleteThank you. I'm not sure which approach would help me better. But I'll definitely think about it, thanks so much.
DeleteGeez when I read the passage about your diary and the way this will of losing had changed your life, I had the feeling of reading about my own life. It's really amazing as our lives look so much alike.
ReplyDeleteI think you should really try and see a doctor, maybe it won't solve everything but at least it could help you see things a little bit more clearly.
Love xX
I'm always amazed by how well I can relate to almost everything you say in your posts too. Eerily similar some times, haha.
DeleteThank you.