I'm so emotional today.
I don't even know why, I had a pretty good day. I met up with one of my exs who I haven't seen for two years, and had the cutest day ever just wondering round town going to loads of different cafés and the art gallery. It was nice catching up, I used to be so close to him. He was my closest friend through a really hard time in my life, and after we broke up we just drifted apart and almost stopped talking completely.
Then afterwards I met two of my friends and had a quick catch up and made some plans for next week. I should be happy. All I'd eaten before I got home was one raspberry and white chocolate muffin from a café which I didn't even finish. I know that's not very good, but it's better than it could have been.
Then somehow on the walk home I started crying because I had a random urge to fall under a car, I don't even know why, it actually scared the shit out of me.
Then I got home and emotional ate most of a big bag of kettle chips, then dinner which was a vegetarian burger in a roll, with weird potatoes and green beans. Then purged, there goes my valiant attempt to stop making myself sick.
And now I'm sat here; a complete emotional mess.
My guy best friend invited me to some random girl's party on facebook, then I texted him to ask him about it, and I realised he hadn't replied to a single text from me for weeks, and although he did reply to me about the party, he was so fucking blunt and didn't give me any xs at all (I'm sure you girls all understand the significance of xs in a conversation). He's being so bloody off with me. I basically snapped and told him he was being a moody shit and I wasn't going to go to the stupid party because he's the only one I know there and he's been ignoring me. He didn't even deny it or try and convince me otherwise, and now he's not replying to me at all again.
I've been thinking about him, and I actually hate him. We're friends because he lets me moan about everything to him, and I can pretend he actually listens and cares, and because he tells me I'm beautiful and it's just nice to know that someone likes me. And he's friends with me because in return I basically let him grope me and talk down to me. He makes me feel disgusting when I'm around him. All he does is touch me up, try and get with me, and try and convince me to have sex with him, all the while talking about the other girls he's sleeping with, and how I'm on his 'bucket list' of people he wants to sleep with.
He's actually a dick. All my friends hate him. He went out with one of my close friends, then broke up with her because he told her he was in love with someone else, and because he told me the someone else was me I stayed friends with him. Despite him breaking my friend's heart, I felt like it was all my fault and I should make it up to both of them. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even me he did like over her. It's this other girl he's obsessed with, he once kissed me to make her jealous, I'm happy to say on that occasion I was drunk enough to get away with slapping him round the face, and he forgave me for it.
I let him get away with so much. I slept at his once and he touched me up when he thought I was asleep, and all I did was roll around so he would have to stop, I never confronted him.
I actually hate him, he's done a lot worse than that, but I really don't want to write it down or think about it.
I don't know why he's my 'best friend' he scares me.
I need to go and drink away my thoughts now. I don't even know where all that came from, I never think about him. I'm such a wreck today.
I'm so sorry that must have been really rambling and ranting to read.
I need to start getting back on track and dieting properly, this binging and purging is horrible. No matter how hard I try I just can't stop.
That's why I cried earlier when I thought about that car, I thought about how if I did get hit, even if I didn't die, it would stop the cycle. I could get help once they gave me tests at the hospital. I don't want to be healthy, I don't want to stop losing weight, I just want some control over my life again.
That guy sounds like an absolute asshole :( stay safe, sweetie, and take care of you. Don't let him make you feel inferior. I hope things turn around for you soon - we all deserve happiness xx
ReplyDeleteThank you, your comment mean a lot.
DeleteNo huni, I am sorry, for not being there when you clearly needed someone today. I feel like I have let you down, I wish you could just cut that guy out of your life, he makes you feel horrible and you dont deserve that, you deserve to be treated like the amazing person you are. I love you huni, and I am glad you didnt jump in front of the car - you mean a lot to me and I will be very upset with the world if you ever went away so dont even think of it *Your Rayya Loves You*
ReplyDeleteAnytime you need me, you know where to find me.. I hate the fact that you went through all of that on your own :( Hope you feel better darling <3
Love you dearly xx
Babe, you never let me down.
DeleteI actually haven't spoken to him since I posted this. I almost cracked today at the bus station, but I bumped into my friend's ex and forgot all about him again, yay me, haha.
I get those urges too--I'll be sitting in a car and just wonder, "hmm, what if I flung the door open and jumped out?"
ReplyDeleteThat guy sounds like such a dick. That kind of shit's not worth your time--I've known guys like that, and once they get what they want, they're gone. Or else they stay and bug you worse, ugh.
I feel the same way about the hospital. If I got in, things would be okay, and I'd be safe. But then again, I really wouldn't want to have my body all fucked up from a car.
I hope you get some control back soon. God knows we all could use a bit more.
xx
Yeah, I completely understand everything you just said, that's exactly how I feel at times.
DeleteThank you for your comment.
Oh poor darling ! I felt so sorry to hear about this 'best friend' who is by the way not at all what I should call a best friend.
ReplyDeleteHe's an asshole, if having sex with you is the only thing he's interested in then he's not a friend at all. I know things are not that easy but I think you should stop seeing him. You deserve a real best friend, someone who would care about you for real.
Geez I sometimes feel the same when I see cars passing down the street, like ' what would it feel like if I just jumped under it ?'. That's weird.
Anyway, I don't think it is really worth trying ^^
So please, don't ever try ! I love you too much to be able to bear the pain of losing you !
xX
Thank you darling. I haven't spoken to him at all since I wrote this, it makes me kind of sad that he hasn't tried to speak to me either, but ah well. That's life and I don't need his negative attention.
DeleteThank you so much darling. Right back at you, if you ever jump out in front of a car I will be forced to build a time machine and go and stop you, which is rather a lot of energy, so just don't do it. Deal? Haha.
Love you.
It's okay. Sounds like you are seeing this guy for how he truly is. I know this is hard and it hurts. You are handling it quite well to me. My ex husband was like that but I loved him too much that I acted like I didn't see it. When I came around though it hit me hard. He never loved me. I feel into this deep world of whoring around and acting like men where tools, buying whatever my heart desired even if I went over my limit. Yeah it was pretty bad.
ReplyDeleteDo you plan to still talk to him? I probably wouldn't. I don't talk to my ex husband for obvious reasons and there is this other ex which a small part of me still cares about. I had to stop talking to him because he doesn't care about me at all. Not even as a friend. Still hurts every now and then.
*hugs*
I'm sorry to hear about your ex, I'm glad you're shot of him now, you deserve so much better. I hope your husband is treating you right?
DeleteAnd no, I don't plan to talk to him. I haven't even tried to talk to him since I wrote this post, and he hasn't tried to talk to me either, which hurts, but it shouldn't.
I had to do that with my ex. After we broke up we 'stayed friends' which basically consisted of hooking up while drunk, then seeing each other sober but with other friends, and acting 'normal' and really awkward. It's so much easier now I barely ever see him, I mean even if I just bump into him I spend the whole time over analysing and wondering if we could ever get back together.
Sorry this turned into a pathetic little ramble.
Thank you for your comment, it really does mean a lot.
It's alright honey. He's an asshole. He doesn't even deserve a thought by you. You would do well to stop talking to him... Even though that may be hard. You deserve better than that.
ReplyDeleteDon't give up on trying to get better! You can do it! Just because you had a lapse one time doesn't mean you can't do it! I have lapsed too. Just keep trying, that's all that matters. Soon the good days will outweigh the b/p days. I promise! I am so proud of you! (:
Thank you. It has been hard but I still haven't spoken to him. About the only thing I've actually managed to give up, haha.
Deleteyou thinking of getting in front of that car is exactly how my daily daydreams are :( don't let that become a habit it'll destroy you.
ReplyDelete& for that guy seriously fuck him he's an ass who deserves any bad that comes to him.
Please never go through with it. I don't know what I'd do without you.
DeleteAnd thank you, haha.