I've only had three replies to my last reply and I'm already crying. I think I definitely want to study psychology now. It's hard to explain why to those who've never suffered like us, but I really want to study and resolve the issues which we have all gone through. I want to help others like us.
Loads of people at my school always look down on psychology as a 'soft subject', even though close friends of mine weren't allowed to study it due to bad maths and science results at GCSE, but I don't care. It's a legitimate subject, and honestly I love it. Even the unrelated to eating disorder stuff is fascinating. I love it. It's my best subject. I get over 95% in all mock exams I revise for. I can actually do it because I care about it. Why should I feel belittled by my sister for wanting to study my favourite subject at university?
I shouldn't. Especially as she retook an entire year because she didn't do well (that's probably unfair as she was seriously ill when she did her exams, but I was seriously bulimic throughout my exams, but I still got on with it). EVERYONE HAS THEIR PERSONAL PROBLEMS!!
I sound terrible, I've drunk far too much already, but I only need to be conscious tomorrow to pick up my results, and other than that few minutes I can be as drunk as I like. And I like to be very drunk.
I was so proud of myself the other day, I thought I'd broken through my alcohol addiction because I hadn't been drunk for a week, then I realised I'd been ridiculously high every day I didn't drink, and my pride disappeared. That's why I want to do psychology. I want to help. I want to stop the suffering of others.
Psychological pain is much harder than physical pain. You can't treat it easily. When people self harm to relieve psychological pain you know you need to help them. I wish when I was 12 I knew I was normal to feel like this.
Who else wishes they could go back in time and stop themselves developing these coping mechanisms?
Sorry if this doesn't make sense, I drunk a lot (another coping mechanism I've had since I was 12).
Which came first: the drinking or the self harm? I'd honestly like to know your answers to that (and yes I count substance abuse or eating disorders etc. as self harm as well as the obvious cutting and burning).
Sorry, I've ranted a lot tonight, but I hope it's all relevant.
I wish I could go back and tell my 14-year-old self to stop what she was doing and eat normally. It's seriously been a nightmare since it started, and it's so shitty and painful.
ReplyDeleteI'm always reluctant to drink or do drugs because I know if I like them I'll just do that all the time /:
This image says a lot about how people respond to mental illness: http://halfwaybetweenthegutter.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/36574_3621140803626_1127104452_33236535_1964638207_n.jpg?w=645
No one takes it seriously, and they should. Eating disorders are so deadly, and people tend to just blow them off or tell us to get over it... That's not possible, but no one really cares. So wrong.
I miss being drunk, so you enjoy it...fully! And sweetheart, don't fret, take psychology. Who gives a fuck what anyone thinks? I hope you are doing alright sweetie, you can always talk to me. <33333
ReplyDeleteOh hunn, your tortured soul is not alone. I was a heavy daily self harmer from the age of 14. It slowed down at the age of 17 when I figured starving myself didn't leave scars and made me feel better. Then from age 18 to 20, booze, weed and speed brought the numbness my soul craved.
ReplyDeleteI've been self harm free for 2yrs and drug free for 10months.
Thought I do punch/slap myself arround on ocasion... The control over eating is my coaping mechanism and the occasional binge drinking.
Just know you are far from alone hunn. I feel your sorrow and your desire to keep others from such pains!
Hey sweety, I'm glad you have decided to do what you want to do rather than what other people want for you. I think it's so beautiful that you want to help people and I know that the lives of many people will be changed with your help :)
ReplyDeleteAlso, psychology is not an easy subject! At least the courses here aren't easy, some parts of it are hard, lots of maths and science, and if you want do really well the studying is time-consuming. It's a perfectly respectable subject I mean, I'm sure you will do ok with the work of course :)
I self-harmed (cutting and burning) quite heavily when I was younger although not anymore. I don't drink - because when I do, I don't just drink, I drink to get drunk. Alcoholism runs in my family in and I feel like I already have enough issues weighing me down - mostly I am scared of the calories in alcohol.
Alice xx
We are so similar :P It's unreal actually. Mostly the getting high/drunk to numb out pain thing... but also the fascination in psychology. That's sort of why I want to write and make films, so I can get inside other people's heads, and move an audience. Change their outlook on a certain subject. I think it's important.
ReplyDeleteI think you should study psychology.
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