Food is overrated

I don't really have the optimistic update I was hoping for.
I've been feeling seriously depressed recently, and I didn't want to disappoint all you wonderful people with my depressed ramblings so I haven't wanted to update.
Last night was where all my feelings sort of climaxed, one minute I was perfectly cheerful, the next I was lying there with a handful of pills clutched to my chest trying to gather the courage to shallow the lot.
I don't know how long I lay like that, over an hour at least.
The one main thought running through my head which stopped me: "they put a chemical in paracetamol now which makes you physically sick if you try to overdose". I have no idea how truthful that rumour is, but the thought of failing scared me far more than death.
I still have the pile of pills on my bedside table, next to my razor blades and lighter. My own personal torture chamber, haha.

This morning I woke up still feeling terrible, I think waking up to the sight of the pills really didn't kick start my day. But I cried this morning, for the first time in weeks/months. It really did help me a lot. I haven't been able to cry for so long, I've been feeling so numb, the only overwhelming feeling I've had for weeks is irritation, it was so relieving to finally cry. Wash away my feelings.

After all that depression I've made some realisations.
I don't want to die fat.
I want to start seeing results again. This binging/purging, weight maintenance combination is not good for my mental health. I was happy when I was losing weight. I need to get that happiness back.
I ate today, kind of normally. I binge/purged at lunchtime, then went to my friend's house and ate another small lunch which I kept down, then got home and ate dinner, which I couldn't purge because someone was in the bathroom. I thought that keeping some food would make me feel better, but instead it made my whole body ache. I've had a horrible stabbing pain in my heart, chest, throat and head. At one point I pinpointed the pain in my throat and when I poked it from the outside it made me gag, it was actually really interesting, until I convinced myself it was a heart attack and that I was coughing up blood. I'm so over dramatic.
Anyway, I feel better now, but I just feel fat. The food wasn't worth it. I wasn't hungry and it just made me ill. The same happened the other day, I was forced to eat dinner, and it gave me the worse stomach cramps, I actually thought I had food poisoning.
Food is overrated.

On Friday I get paid, so I can buy some proper, personal scales, which aren't mathematically inaccurate (mine are mechanical not electric, and the dials don't actually line up correctly so I can never be 100% sure what my weight is, you have to best guess within a 4lb range), some more laxatives (they got addictive quickly), and a few million cans of diet coke. Then my new school year can truly begin.

Also, does anyone have any good thinspo songs? I'll admit I have about 100, but whenever I'm feeling crappy and like it's not worth the effort I put on my playlist and remind myself of everything, so I just wanted any suggestions to make my playlist bigger. Haha. Also if any of you want to know what ones I have just comment and I'll make a list.

Love you guys so much. I've turned into a terrible commenter/replier again, I'll go and redeem myself now.