B in History.
D in Psychology.
D in English Literature.
U in Biology.
I'm going to have to retake English Literature and Biology completely, and I'm getting a copy of my Psychology paper because I felt like it was my best exam and I only did badly in one of the modules which dragged it down overall.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I can tell my parents are so disappointed in me. My sister got two Bs and a C, and got into veterinary medicine; whereas I just failed at life.
I was trying to make myself feel better and said "at least I can just retake them in January", and my dad sneered at me and was like "yeah sure, if you've got that kind of money to waste." Clearly thinking I'll fail again anyway so it would be pointless paying for a retake.
I've already self harmed worse than I have for weeks. Without even realising what I did I carved 'fat failure' into my leg. When I looked down it actually surprised me because I did it so subconsciously.
I'm so hungover but already I'm planning when I can start drinking.
I don't know if it's the hangover or shame, but the thought of food makes me want to heave. I never want to eat again. I just want to slowly starve myself until I disappear.
I went downstairs to get a drink and halfway through talking to my family I noticed a cut on my arm slowly dripping blood everywhere. I'm so scared they noticed but didn't say anything because my sister's boyfriend was there.
One of my friends got three As and a B and looked upset. Though another got the same as me but with a C rather than a B. It makes it worse that I know I didn't put enough effort in. I know I could have tried harder.
I planned the food I would buy to purge on in my English Literature exam, and purged minutes before I went into the Biology exam. During Psychology I was sweating and overheated because I'd self harmed so badly I couldn't take my jumper off.
Fucking excuses.
I'm just not good enough.
My friend wants to meet me soon so we can really drunk, but I don't want to go out. I want to stay locked in my room not talking, not eating, not sleeping. I just want to sit here in silence and hate myself in peace.
I don't want to tell people what I got.
I don't want to retake a year.
I want to disappear forever.
OI! You have not failed at life.. exams arent everything and you are being way too hard on your self, you werent exactly feeling your best when you took these exams and retaking wont be so bad. I am redoing 2nd year at uni which I thought would be taboo but to be honest loads of people do it for different reasons.. and do not listen to your dad! he is so counterproductive and unhelpful man I just want to hit him. DONT LISTEN TO HIM. you can do anything you flippin well want to do BELIEVE ME. and huni.. you will feel better, you can start afresh and make this year count. LOVE YOU x
ReplyDeleteYou haven't failed at life. And you can retake it... whether or not your parents are happy about it. They're just disappointed right now because they know how intelligent you are and were expecting more. But you can make them proud and give it your best now.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel too bad sweetie... Really <3
-Emma
Oh hon! Your not a failure! Your grades dont define you! I got B, E, D on my A level results and I Still got into a univeristy and love what I am doing! Trust me its not the be all and end all! As for you dad, ignore him hes just being insensitive! If you want to retake and think you can do better then go for it!!! <3 its your life! dont let your dad stop you!
ReplyDeleteI think it will be a good idea to see your friend today, even if you feel shitty. But be careful with how much you drink sweetie! Especially if you havent eaten. Hopefully your friend will lift your mood and give you a big hug <3
Thinking of you
xXx
p.s. don't disappear! If you disappeared we would all miss you < 3
Awwwwww. I know you tried hard. Those are hard subjects. I can't stand bio, I mean I just hate it, it makes no sense to me at all.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry about your parents. They have to understand not everyone learns the same and can understand all the material being thought in school. Like I was great at math but my twin sucked at it. Her strength was english and spelling which I was god awful at.
If you do retake the class you will already have the books(unless they update them ) you will already know what is coming and can better prepare yourself. I hate retaking classes but moments like that is when I don't ind. I can plan my life around the class better since I know what to expect.
You must really be out of it. Sorry that you cut without knowing. I hope it heals fast enough. Maybe you should go out with your friend. It may help take your mind off the final grades.
You're not afailure!! You tried your hardest and thats all you could do, your family should be proud of you for that. Try not to cut, instead keep revising so when you re-take you know what to expect :) And you will pass with flying colours! xx
ReplyDeleteYou are not a failure.
ReplyDeleteJust retake them in January.
No matter what people say, you need to fight for yourself because no one else will do it.
xoxo
You are not a failure! The fact that you plan to go back and retake the classes proves that. It breaks my heart to hear how your family treats you, you deal with so much already. I hope you feel better soon and that you will retake the courses. xxxx
ReplyDeleteYou are NOT a failure at all. Trust me. Exams are the the end of the world, again trust me here. I failed ALL my exams at school, no joke. I got kicked out of school after AS Levels.
ReplyDeleteOk? I will tell you where I am now in life. I have nearly finished my degree. I worked hard and work and was promoted to manager of the clothes store where I worked, I was the younger manager EVER in the area. I have a BMW, Rolex and Mulbury. Failure? I think not. I have done so much MORE with my life than those who did 'well' at school.
I am not bragging, but I wanted to show you that exams in the outside world mean nothing. As long as you have the motivation to do well in life then you will. Remember, you create your own destiny.
Good luck sweet.
I'm back my dearest! I've missed you so much !
ReplyDeleteI've read all the posts you wrote since I left. I must first congratulate you for starting the challenge. I always feel that challenges are the best thing to keep us happy (well at least for me, it helps me get my mind focused to something else than my misery ><).
I also wanted to encourage you to study psychology. If it's what you like then go for it. You can never be truly happy by following the path someone else chose for you. My parents always expected me to go to med school. But I realised that I would never be happy being a doctor. My dream is to travel, go abroad as much as possible. And so I decided to go to a language university and study international relations. I must say that my parents were quite disapointed but I know I made the right choice. Never let anyonce decide for you !
About your exams, you are not a failure ! You had a really rough time, your mind wasn't in it. But now that you've realised your mistake, you'll then be able to correct it. You know the problem wasn't about being clever but about focusing. You shall retake your exams and succeed because you'll be focused on them. I know you can do this. You are a clever girl. Don't doubt yourself.
You've got all my love !
YOU'RE BACK!! I've missed you. How was your holiday? What happened? Tell me everything darling, I missed you so much.
DeleteThank you so much. I think I am going to go for Psychology, I've been looking at universities and it looks amazing. I'm so glad you broke away from what your parents wanted and studies languages, I can tell you really enjoy it.
Thanks, I've spoken to other people at my school and apparently basically everyone did the same or worse than me so most people will probably have to retake, I don't mind if I have to retake if it means I can get into an amazing university.
I can't even describe how glad I am that you're back.
Love you so much beautiful.