Something's not been quite right recently. I hate everyone.
I had a massive argument with my friend earlier.
It was pathetic and stupid. She was meeting her ex boyfriend and lying about it because she thought I'd be angry that she was meeting him. I found out and got angry that she lied to me about it. She thought I was angry that she met him, so then she lied more because she didn't want me to be angry. Because she started lying more I got angry more.
It spiralled like that for a while before we actually spoke about it and realised we'd both had the wrong idea and were making it worse when really there was no problem.
It wasn't what the argument was about which upset me, I mean that's resolved now, it's the things she mentioned about my behaviours recently which has upset me. And the fact that she's completely right.
I've barely spoken to her for weeks. And I know it's my fault. Thinking back every time she makes an effort with me I ignore her. I've spent all my time at school sitting silently pretending to do work because I don't know how to talk to people any more. I spend my lunchtimes making up crappy excuses so I can walk to Sainsbury's alone and buy an apple and a Monster Zero. I never finish the apple.
And I can't deny my friends have made an effort to snap me out of it. It's not that I don't see them because I'm not invited, it's that I'd rather sit in my room looking at thinspo and staring blankly at my wall than actually go out and see people.
The other day I skived Sixth Form because I couldn't face getting out of bed. I'm in my most important year of school, and I'm skipping lessons because I don't have the desire to move any more.
I'm a little scared.
I told my friend some of this when she confronted me about what a bitch I've been recently. I don't mean to be rude to her, but I don't have the energy to listen to her and think up suitable responses, and I know I must sound like a complete bitch when I give my one word answers.
I've never known how to smile, I mean obviously I do have a smile, my natural smile. But it's hard to replicate because I can't force it. And now I don't know how to fake it. More than one person has commented on how moody I am. At work I know I must look so rude to the customers, but I don't know how to smile any more.
But anyway, I semi-explained this to my friend so she'd know I wasn't being purposely rude because I was annoyed at her. I've told her most of my problems before. She knows about the throwing up, self harm and the night I almost attempted suicide. Her response when I said I still felt depressed was 'oh, it that still going on?'
I last told her about it less than a month ago, she knows how long it's been going on, and she expects that in the past three weeks with absolutely no support from her I would have magically stopped. I don't really know what my point is here. I mean I don't want her help, I've gone out of my way to push her away. I'm just impossible to please I guess.
There's this girl at my school, she moved here last year, and she's skinny. I mean walking thinspo, stick thin, whispers behind her back skinny. She's quiet, clever and not overly popular. I've never really thought about her before, I mean sometimes she's a bit show off-y about how smart she is, and other than that I've never considered her. But I was sitting with some people, and they all started bitching about how skinny she is. And I suddenly realised how true it is. I was always jealous of her natural slimness, but thinking about it; she can't be naturally that small.
The comments everyone else made were just rude though. I know she could hear everything they said. She had that slight twitch of the head that shows she could hear but she was choosing not to reply.
I don't know how I feel about that either.
I don't know how I'm feeling about anything any more.
Well except about me. I feel fat. I need to lose weight.
I was doing the ABC diet with a wonderful girl, but I binged and purged like the fat pathetic loser I am.
Tomorrow I wanted to start it again, and not let her down this time.
Sorry this post makes absolutely no sense. I just needed to attempt to empty some of my thoughts, I started tugging at my hair and scratching my face because my mind was driving me mad. Hopefully rambling will empty my brain for a bit.
Oh sweetheart, I know exactly how you feel. A lot of my friends are mad at me right now because I've been ducking out on plans... but I just feel like I don't have the energy to be social. Don't worry though, the feeling eventually passes.
ReplyDeleteAnd you're not pathetic! Tomorrow is always a new day. Stay strong love.
Aw I'm sorry you're feeling this way, definitely been there. People who haven't experienced eating disorders usually don't understand, but people who haven't had depression will NEVER understand. It's not just being sad, or in a bad mood. It's an overwhelming sensation that is far too complex to put into words. and then the more you have to explain or excuse the more irritated you get... Ugh. Chin up dude, and know that you're not alone. <3
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better, honey.
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone <3
Hunni, you're not a bitch, because if that is what you call a bitch, then so am i! Because to be honest, i'm acting EXACTLY the same as this. It's so hard to smile when all you want to do is say nothing and stare into space. The thought of having to be sociable is scary and only brings dread. So i understand you completly, it's hard to try and make plans to see people, simply because, on the day, you just think why did i do this?? I don't wanna be around people...and then have to make up excuses to leave, which is awful...you want to be alone with your thoughts, but at the same time, you don't? Like a lose/lose situation i guess?? But, you aren't alone! I promise xx
ReplyDeleteDarling I am so sorry for not being there for you, I feel like such a bitch :/ and you know what you are not a bitch or a horrible person or any of that, you can't fake a smile all the time, believe me it wears you down so no wonder you are finding it hard right now. You're friend probably doesn't appreciate how severe this is for you, have you gone to the doctor yet? Please, please try to at least. Even if it's not for the b/p.. I wish I could do something to help you somehow.. It's horrid how people talk about that girl, I hate people talking about anyone because of looks.
ReplyDeleteYou are not a loser by the way, I love you so much and I am under exaggerating when I say you are the nicest funniest and sweetest person I have met. You are so utterly kind and selfless of only you could see how brilliant you are..
Love you x
Oh my dear, you are not a bitch at all. Being a bitch is telling mean things to your friends, not telling anything is a very different thing. You just need a bit of time for yourself, and that is absolutely normal.
ReplyDeleteI mean, I often happen to refuse invitations, without a good reason. It's just that I'd rather stay at home than talk to people cause this is really tiring ^^. You don't need to feel weird about that.
And this is also a very good way to see if your friends really care about you. I mean, if your friends still stick around and show concern even when you speak less to them, it does really mean that they like you for real. Otherwise, it's all for the better to know that you can get rid of them ^^ (but don't worry, I've been through that and most of them stick around ^^)
About that girl, why don't you try and be friend with her ? :)
LOVE U SO MUCH !