So today is my first day of being vegan. I've stuck to it better than I thought I would.
Though it's only half four, I've got plenty of time to mess up, and I'll admit I'm starving - and I love it.
My mood's still shitty. I got really depressed again in History, at one point I was sitting with my hands over my ears and my face pressed into my desk because I thought I was going to scream.
"Oh, I'm just tired."
Now I'm better again.
My friend barely ate lunch, everyone noticed.
She bought pasta and ate hardly any, though she ate the chocolate cookie. When she left everyone made loads of comments about her never eating and being too skinny. I sat there silently eating nothing and wondering why no one ever notices when it's me? I guess it's because I'm too fat.
But that will change.
Something's different in me now, I'm weighing myself more (134.6lbs, I disgust myself), but it means I'm noticing the affect of anything I put in my body now. I don't want to eat anything that could make me gain weight. I need to get back under 120lbs before I lose my mind.
So far today I've had
- a pear
- a banana
- one handful of mixed walnuts, pine nuts and sunflower seeds
There's food in the fridge which my mum clearly bought for dinner, none of it is vegan. None of our bread is vegan. None of out food is vegan. I'm so happy, they can't make me eat. There's nothing vegan and high calorie in my house at the moment. No matter what she does she can't force me to consume high calories today.
I feel so powerful. This was the best decision I've ever made. It makes it impossible to mess up and binge horribly. Normally I would have eaten a 'healthy yoghurt' by now, which would have lead to a binge and purge. Instead I ate a banana and nuts/seeds.
They take so long to eat and have nothing in them to trigger a binge. It's perfect.
Maybe this is the breakthrough I need to stop binging and purging.
you have no idea how happy this made me!! I'm so glad you have been doing well today. Just keep making the right choices and it will pay off and you'll be the one your friends end up talking about being too skinny. love you keep staying strong <3
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I cheered you up.
DeleteThank you so much for all your help and support, I don't know what I'd do without you.
Love you.
Use that 'powerful' feeling you have to control your binges. I weigh frequently to the point I can tell exactly what I ate/didn't eat that made me lose/gain weight. Being a vegan is great idea because now it's not they you have to "stop eating junk" you are simply "maintaining a new lifestyle".
ReplyDeleteThank you, I will.
DeleteAnd that's what's good about vegan.
I eat well all the time, so even bad days are good days, and no one can force me to eat crap.
Well done my darling! You are doing so so well... fuck those people, when you lose loads of weight then they will talk! <3 x
ReplyDeleteThank you sweetheart.
DeleteDoes your friend have an eating disorder?
ReplyDeleteI'm vegan too :) i've been vegan for seven months now and LOVE IT!
I don't know how tall you are, but 120 is a big trigger number for me. If I ever go above that, I think I might freak out and do something incredibly destructive.
I'm not sure. I think she definitely did, or at least I think she did.
DeleteShe lost a shitload of weight last year, and now she's underweight but 'eating normally', which I don't think is possible. I've read enough blogs from people here who say it's impossible to stay naturally super skinny while eating the full 2000 calories a day.
Vegan is amazing isn't it? So much easier and healthier, and there's really nothing bad about it.
I'm 5'5 I think, and I hate being above 120. I can't wait to get back under and hopefully get into the double digits.
Congrats on going vegan ! I'm sure you'll do so well, that the binge/purge habit will disappear very soon !
ReplyDeleteYour post has really motivated me, I think I'll try and go vegan ! I am currently basically vegetarian so I guess this won't be very difficult ;)
I love you so much, you can't imagine how I've missed you !! <3 (I must also apologize for not writing in such a long time ><)
Thank you. The veganism really did help with the binging and purging, at least for a bit.
DeleteYou should definitely give it a try, it's amazing. And I feel a lot.. cleaner. I don't know if that's the right word. But it's made me want to eat only really healthy stuff and not put any junk into my body.
I love you too, I missed you so much.