Autumn

I'm not quite sure where I am at the moment.
I don't know whether I'm doing well or horrendously.
I feel like I've gained weight so I guess I'm doing badly, although sometimes I'll wake up and feel like I'm getting skinnier so maybe I'm doing well? My scales are staying pretty much the same as ever so who knows.

My mood has been so weird recently too. One night I will be literally suicidal crying hysterically on my bed, then something will happen (often messages from Rayya) and suddenly I'll be overly ecstatic, and then a few hours later I'll just return to this completely numb state. I'm in that state right now, okay I'm also really tired, but still.

I have a weird yet extremely pressing question to ask everyone: how many calories are there in chocolate laxatives?
I picked them up by mistake, I saw my first boyfriend while I was in Boots so I had to just grab the packet closest to me and pray he wouldn't notice what was in my hand, and didn't really look at them properly until I'd ripped the box open later at home.
I don't really know how I feel about them. I normally just buy pills, a sip of water and they're gone, it seems more official. Why would I want to eat chocolate to get the effects?
I mean I take them after I've binged and purged, after a purge I don't want to eat chocolate.
The taste of them trigger something in my mind, so every time I take one I want to binge.
I don't know whether I want to keep on taking them, but that being said, I've had them two days and have already taken 5 times the recommended amount, so I'll have probably finished the box before I even get a comment on this post.

My friend finally got back from her cruise, she said if I meet her tomorrow then I can go and look at the flat with her, and she has the keys now and everything so I seriously think I'm officially moving in with her, at least part-time, haha. Part-time roomie.
She also started her message with 'woo, I'm back. I ate loads while away. I want to die.'
She's agreed to my plan of going to the gym every day after Sixth Form.

Returning to Sixth Form, school, college or university is such a nice refreshing opportunity to change all the bad habits and reinvent yourself as whoever you want to be. I'm excited for this 'new start' so to speak.
I'm looking forward to Autumn so much, and Winter of course. As gloomy as I may sound, they're probably my favourite seasons. Other than the cold, they're perfect. There is something to beautiful about Autumn, all the old, ugly things dying; trees shredding their leaves and becoming bare, ethereal branches. That's what I want to do; shred all my fat over the Autumn months and let my bones show through.
Winter is the month where skinny looks best. A fat girl wearing layers just looks like a snowman, whereas a slender, tiny, delicate girl will look beautiful.
I want my fur coats and dark skinny jeans, and to look perfect.
Whoever said you could hide your fat behind thick jumpers was definitely lying, I've spent my whole life trying to do just that, and it's never worked, all it does it make me look even bigger with an extra layers just added to the layers of fat.

I need to find more Autumn/Winter thinspo.

Carmen - Lana Del Rey, and Sunday Girl - Blondie were playing while I wrote this post, and they both kind of inspire me to completely change myself. To be someone interesting and worthwhile. I'm sick of being this fat, ugly mess. I want to be skinny and mysterious. To be worthy of notice.