We haven't spoken for weeks, not properly anyway, I haven't really been in the mood to talk to anyone.
She was crying over her 'ex', though she admitted they were still basically seeing each other, and she kept saying it was because she was worthless, and she wasn't good enough for anyone so he kept sleeping around. I'm so scared about her, she's the one who didn't eat today, and she admitted she hasn't gained any of the weight she lost after she stopped eating completely.
Somehow she turned the conversation round on me. I don't know how, one second I was comforting her, the next I was sobbing uncontrollably. I told her everything
I made my biggest mistake, between sobs I admitted how my suicidal feelings are getting more frequent. And I know that's something which at least in my case sounds worse than it is.
I've never attempted suicide, not really. I've considered it, toyed with the idea, but never got any further than staring at the pills in my hand, or tracing my wrists with the blade. But I have never attempted suicide.
She definitely didn't understand the distinction.
She asked for examples of what made me feel that shit, without thinking I told her the main one that came to mind.
Her 'ex' boyfriend the one she was crying so bitterly about, told me I was "an oxygen-stealing waste of space who should give my food to starving African children who deserve it" or something along those lines.
I didn't even think about what that would mean to her when I admitted it. I'm wishing I hadn't told her that now. Telling your friend 'your boyfriend made me suicidal' isn't great for rebuilding our friendship.
She was really nice about it, but I don't know if she'll start to hate me for telling her. I mean it's not his fault I'm so unstable.
She says she wants me to go to the doctor. Well she begged me to go.
I don't know what to do, she seems more concerned by my self harm and thoughts than the eating stuff. Maybe if she does make me go I can tell her I'm more comfortable with her not there and just leave out the eating stuff. Honestly she has no right to tell me my eating's unhealthy and I don't need to lose weight. She weighs 98lbs and doesn't eat if she's even slightly stressed.
She can't make me.
She might not even remember, she does this a lot.
In fact at one point she said "I've given you time to get better on your own and you haven't".
Her way of saying "I left you to it for months and made you feel like I didn't give a shit because I forgot about you."
Sorry I don't know what this is saying, it probably makes no sense.
And I can feel a b/p coming on. If only she knew how much she stresses me out. If only she knew that just the thought of telling my doctor I self harm made me dig my nails into my arm in distress and reach around for my razor.
How can I hate her for caring when before I hated her for not caring?
I guess now it's just all too little too late. I don't want her help any more. I'm over it.
I'm over everything.
It seems like it is too little too late.. she seems like she cares, but not enough? if you know what you mean.. She should really sort her own life out before going on about yours.. people always get freaked out about suicidal thoughts and will take it far more seriously than an ed. Maybe you could go to the doctor and tell them about the suicidal thoughts, mood swings, depression.. you dont need to tell them anything you dont want to darling <3
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the best and I am here for you no matter what x
I get exactly what you mean. I think she cares, but only when it suits her. She's wrapped up in her own world, and unless I force myself into her attention she won't think about me.
DeleteWhich I can't blame her for, but it's not really what I need right now.
Does your friend have an eating disorder as well??
ReplyDeleteEven in recovery, you don't always want help. i'm not exactly in the best mindset right now, but I think getting help would help you. But hey, I'm in the same place as you.
Kind of, I don't know.
DeleteShe's been to the doctor 3 or 4 times because her mum's worried about her, but each time she's been told she's fine and her attitude toward eating is fine.
But I don't know. Either she's an amazing liar, or she's okay.
Thanks, I hope you can ask for help too.
It sounds like she does care about you love, but it also seems she's struggling with an ed of her own. She might just be having trouble properly expressing her concerns. I'm worried about you, especially with this emotional rollercoaster you've been on. Don't feel forced, but remember you dont have to tell everything to your doctor. It would be beneficial to ho though, perhaps if you can address your depression, it can also help your urge to binge. Lots of love sweetheart, please stay strong
ReplyDeleteThank you for your concern, it really means so much to me.
DeleteI went, and it didn't help much. But at least now I know what my options are.
Sounds like you just needed her to be a friend & listen to you vent some things out & not judge you. When she expressed concern & solutions to help you, you became frustrated bc that's not what you wanted out of the talk?
ReplyDeleteSometimes some space, air & time can fix everything. Everything has a way of working out. Stress is pointless. Feel better & good luck.
That's what happened I guess. I wanted her to listen and be there, but not to come up with solutions, it's not the kind of issue I want to stop.
DeleteThanks, I'm trying to stress less.
it seems she care for u..but at the same time being judged even before trying to understand the root cause of problem..or advising somethng without putting urself in that person's position feels rude..wat to say..these days m also struggling wid suicidal thoughts nd stuck in a b/p cycle..take care..plz try to stay strong.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're feeling the same. I wish there was something I could do to help you.
DeleteHope you're okay, take care.
She sounds like she cares, but she shouldn't try to force you into doing anything you don't want to do or not ready for. Most people don't understand depression and all that comes with it, unless they have been there...just let her know that you need her, but not to control things, not to advise you to do things, ut just to listen, we all need that. Keep fighting hunni xxx
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly it. I didn't realise until I read this, but that was what I wanted. I wanted HER to be there for me, and for her to hug me and tell me she'll be there for me, for her to try and understand. But instead she just made me go to someone else and hasn't really spoken about it.
DeleteThank you so much for your comment.