I've been about four different measurements this morning.
It moves between 134 and 130.4 lbs.
The one it settled on most frequently was 131 lbs.
I don't know which one to trust. I almost had a complete breakdown in the bathroom because I just want to know how much I weigh, I don't want to have to guess.
The other pretty shitty family scales seemed to agree with the 131 lb weight. So I guess I'll go with that one.
Oh well, even if the 134 lb one is the truthful measurement it's still a loss.
I was 134.6 lb yesterday, and a loss, slight as it is, is still better than anything I've achieved recently.
Vegan is really working for me. I still want to binge, I still want to eat. But something inside knows that if I fuck up even slightly then I'll hate myself so much. So I've stuck it out so far, my mum seems less keen on the idea now she's realised I'm serious. The look on her face yesterday when I refused to eat the dinner and just ate the broccoli and a bit of potato.
Yesterday I was stressed and I had a mini binge, but it was on walnuts, and while I still regret it and feel disgusting, I don't think it did any lasting damage.
Today though I'm going to some training thing at school. I don't have a clue what it is, I don't know why I signed up to it. My teacher wrote on the letter he'll be providing lunch for everyone. The friend who now knows everything will be there, I hate to think what she'll say when I refuse the lunch.
Then after the training thing I'm going to another friend's and she said she'll cook for me and we can watch films and drink sangria. I'm going to have to break it to her that I probably can't eat anything of what she cooks for me.
Also, I don't know if any of you remember, but ages ago I wrote about my 'guy best friend' who basically wanted to use me for sex, and was a dick
Well since that post where I decided I was done with him, and making such an effort with him to see if he'd ever go back to just being my friend again, I hadn't spoken to him at all. There were times when I was down and I wanted to see him, just to hug him again, he's the only one who can make me feel safe. Sometimes he'll upset me, but he's the only one who can cheer me up, he messes with my head.
But anyway after months, literally months, of us not talking because he hasn't made any effort to speak to me and I was trying to be strong and avoid him, he randomly texted me last night. Like nothing had happened, like it hasn't been months since we last spoke. And he wasn't pervy, he wasn't a dick. He was just his normal self, moaning about being ill.
I just realised how much I miss him. I want to hug him again.
I don't know what it is with him. I don't fancy him. I don't even like him that much as a person, I know he's a complete dick. He's not even funny or clever or good looking. He's not nice to me, he's not there for me. I told him about my self harm and he told me I was an idiot, and that my arm looked disgusting. When my cut got infected and I told him how scared I was he said it was my own fault.
But then at the same time he's there for me more than anyone else is. When I broke up with my boyfriend, he was the first person I told. And when my phone ran out of battery he thought I'd done something drastic and rung my friends who live near and begged them to check up on me. When I feel shit he'll tell me I'm beautiful, when I feel fat he tells me he loves my body.
When I say I miss him he'll drive down to my house in the middle of the night and we just drive around in the dark and talk about anything. Sometimes we go back to his or his uncle's whichever house is free, and I know he expects something to happen when I agree to go, but I've perfected distracting him and avoiding any advances. Last time I saw him we went to his uncle's empty house, and I got him to play Mario Cart for hours then watch How To Train A Dragon.
But then when I got out the car we kissed.
I don't know what I'm thinking now. I mean I hate him, he's a dick. His good points are something that anyone could do. But that's just it, no one else bothered to do it. He's the only one who thinks of me and makes the effort with me, even if he is a dick more often than he's nice.
I don't even know where that rant came from. All I meant to say was 'yay I've lost some weight.'
I actually love you :)
ReplyDeleteI get what you mean though, I used to see guys just cos they were the only ones who bothered with me. The guy that turned into a stalker and I had to get a communications order effected on him - he was a guy that would make so much effort with me and I hardly enjoyed his company or found him funny and he definitely wasnt attractive but I would give him time of day cos he was the only one bothered about me if that makes sense..
Maybe we are just craving someone to care and spend time with? someone who can hold us occasionally and make things the slightest bit better..
Love you dear, yay a loss! so proud of you with this vegan thing <3 x
That is literally the story of my life. Spending all my time talking to really weird guys who I can't even stand spending time around, just because they made an effort with me and made me feel special.
DeleteI think that was exactly what I wanted, someone to make me feel loved and less alone, like if I died then someone would miss me.
Thank you darling.
I feel like, even people who are abusive dick assholes, have a side to them that isn't so bad. They can actually be quite nice some of the time. I guess you just have to figure out if the pros outweigh the cons.
ReplyDeleteAnd the scale...I hate them. They can be so fickle sometimes.
Yeah, I always seem to find the good points in people who everyone else can't stand, and then people judge me for talking to them so much.
DeleteThough usually the cons end up outweighing the pros.
I know, scales shouldn't be so unpredictable.
You don't need guys like that in your life, who are un-predictable :( You may miss him, but missing him is aprt of letting go, when we are at our weakest, we want someone to love us, but just think of the horrible things he has said to you...and could do it again...i'm not trying to put a dampner on things, i just want you to be careful my love xx
ReplyDeleteThank you for that advice. I need to remember that more often, and learn that I shouldn't settle for people who don't care about me just because there's no one else.
DeleteI need to learn to cope without someone to lean on.
Thank you. Love you.