Rut

I don't have anything inspiring or even positive to post. Sorry, I'm a depressing sod yet again.

I haven't weighed myself since before the weekend. 133.8lbs was what it read then. Too high, far far too high.
I'm scared to know what it is now. I can feel that I've gained weight. I can see and feel the extra calories I've put into my body over the weekend. I disgust myself.

I realised on Sunday that it had been four days since I'd last purged. Instead of proud I was disgusted with myself. I had to force myself to eat, literally choking food down my throat, just because I NEEDED to purge something. The same happened yesterday. I had a panic attack on my way back from school, I thought something terrible had happened and didn't cope very well. I ate a massive bar of chocolate, purged. Then cooked more food while I was purging up the chocolate. Then my stupid sister decided to have a shower while I was busy stuffing my face with the second set of binge food. I took 12 laxatives to try and counteract it, they were all I had left, I don't have any diet pills left either. I'm freaking out slightly now.

It turned out the thing I was freaking out over hadn't even happened, thank fuck. I don't know what I'd do without Cleona in my life. http://myemptymisery.blogspot.co.uk Anyone who doesn't already follow her needs to, I don't know where I 'd be without her.

Anyway, I was up all last night after the 12 laxatives kicked in. Is it messed up that I'm slightly disappointed they didn't make me more ill? After I took 7/8 I think I had some internal bleeding, to be fair I did eat less with the 7, whereas I stuffed my fat face before the 12, maybe 12 was what I actually needed to empty me again.
I still feel messed up I guess. I've had to take the morning off school, because I can't even drink green tea without it coming straight back out. (Sorry that whole paragraph was probably far too much information.)

I feel like I'm stuck in such a rut at the moment. I was losing so much weight before. The starving was doing exactly what it said on the tin, I was shrinking and falling asleep hungry, I felt so.. happy. Then I convinced myself purging was the answer to all my problems. I could eat dinner with my family, stopping their suspicions, and still continue to lose weight and fall asleep empty.
FUCK YOU BINGES. Sorry about my language, but seriously. What happened to me? I've gained back everything, then stayed at this stupid weight for months now. Fucking months of 130-135 lbs.
And what makes it worse is I can't stop it. No matter how many times I say 'just don't purge. Stop the purging and the binging and the urges will stop' I know it's not true. It's the purging I crave more than the binging. I find it easier to control binges, but if anything bad happens I need to fill my stomach just for the feeling of empting it again.
And now my family are starting to suspect me, so I can't even purge meals. I have to binge in secret so that they don't know to listen out for heaving.
I've started having about three 'showers' a day just for an excuse to run water and lock myself in the bathroom.

My friend has her flat now. I went to see it, and it is amazing. I can spread both arms out and spin around in the shower without touching the sides, there's even a seat in the shower. I could happily live in the shower and never go in any other part of the flat.
Her parent's are still staying in the flat half the time, so I can't move in, but I plan to stay there whenever they're out. She's having her first party there on Thursday. I'm so jealous of her life.

Sorry this was so disjointed and had no main point, but it was nice to get all the little things off my chest.
How's everyone else doing? Anyone else feeling stuck in a rut at the moment?