Lucy moments

I don't know how many of you watch Eastenders, but oh my Lucy is just the ultimate thinspo.

Okay, moment over. But you need to start watching Eastenders if you don't already. Just looking at her legs stopped me from eating dinner tonight.

I think I've reached a point in my life where I kind of have to stop the purging. It's disgusting how bad it's become since I've gone back to school. If I thought school and routine would help me beat it, I was wrong. It's just turned into a habit of: eat nothing all day at school until my friends either get annoyed at my lack of food, or don't notice at all (the small attention-seeking part of my brain can't decide which scenario upsets me more), followed by me coming straight home (the gym every day after school plan disappeared) and eating everything in sight. Then of course purging.
Even my dad's noticed the sounds of vomiting. Though instead of asking me if I was okay he just told my mum, what the hell?
Luckily that made it a million times easier to deny, I just said I wasn't even in and he must have heard my sister (who was hungover that day so she might have believed me).
But now I'm so scared to purge when other people are in the house, I know they suspect me.
Plus my sister found my laxatives, though she hasn't mentioned it, I'm sure she told my mum.
And just a moment ago I was talking to my mum, and I said "I think I have a serious problem..", my mum turned down the volume on the TV and looked so concerned like she thought I was going to confess or something, when all I was talking about is how much I'm sleeping recently. I slept for 12 hours last night, plus had a 4 hour nap yesterday and a 3 hour nap today.
My mum replied: "it's because you're drinking a million energy drinks and not eating.. properly." Her tone when she said 'eating.. properly' really made me think she suspects me.
Oh, and my mum definitely found my personal electronic scales which I keep in my room because she tidied my room and picked up the clothes I was using to hide the scales.

Ah well, even if she does know everything she won't do anything, so there's no point stressing. I know my family well enough to know that even if I admitted everything all that would happen is my mum would ignore it after a day, my dad would make cruel jokes, and my sister would be a bitch for ages then cry and tell me I'm selfish. It's what happened before I 'stopped' self harming, and it will happen again now.
So to conclude: I need to stop purging.

The doctors' surgery is literally right next to my school.
I know if I'm ever going to stop purging I need to go in, I know realistically I'm not particularly ill, therefore they can't do anything against my will. I mean if they try to send my to a CBT and I feel like they're trying to make me change too much then I can refuse. I know there's nothing they can do to me without my consent, and honestly I know I can't beat the throwing up alone, but I'm still kind of hoping I can.
I just want to turn this throwing up back into the restriction I was so good at before. I lost almost a stone in under 2 months, then suddenly I thought I'd found the solution to all my problems. I could eat everything AND still lose weight. For about a month it worked perfectly, then the binges got worse and worse. It went from an unavoidable family meal being purged to thousands of calories worth of bread, cookies and doritos.
And here I am, I've gained back almost everything I lost, and my face is puffy so I look like a toad.
Plus I miss hunger. I miss the dull ache, the rumbling, the emptiness.
I miss it all. Since I started this stupid cycle I feel full, or bloated, or in pain from laxatives, or shaky and sick as hell. But never empty, not the kind of empty you get from good ol' fashioned restriction.

I need to get updated on all your blogs and reply to my comments and emails, I'm sorry I've been so bad at it recently. I've been in this horrible depressed, sleeping, binging, purging mood recently. It needs to stop and I need to be supportive and up to date on all you wonderful people.