I'm in such a shit mood.
I had an awful night, I don't even know why. Nothing even happened, but I just needed to self harm, the kind of need I haven't felt for months.
Because the weather's so amazing here at the moment though I knew someone would notice if I covered my arms, and my legs are already covered which I'm trying to get rid of. So instead I did something I've almost never done before. I punched my wall repeatedly for almost an hour.
I'm so weak that I didn't break anything, but my knuckle's all swollen and painful when I flex it today. Also as a result I spent most of the night crying and got hardly any sleep.
And now my friend's massively pissed at me because I said I'd be half an hour late to a revision class because I needed a lie in. She went actually mental at me and told me not to bother coming in at all. The last thing she said was "a hope your sleep was worth it?"
I mean seriously? I was going to be half an hour late. And she could have gone ahead without me anyway.
She annoyed me so much a punched the wall again a couple of times. My knuckle really hurts now. I've missed the pain. As messed up as that sounds, I really really miss being in pain.
Yesterday went quite well though in general.
I had my first volunteer shift at the museum. It's basically just standing still for 3 hours watching people so they don't steal or break anything. So easy, yet burning so many calories pacing without anywhere to sit for so long. Plus it's a 45 minute walk there, so it's an hour and a half just getting there and back.
When I got home I knew if I tried to skip lunch I'd binge so I made an omelette using just egg whites, with some spinach. It was much nicer than I expected.
I also ate dinner, but it wasn't too unhealthy so I won't beat myself up too much.
Today I need to revise and job hunt all day, so I'm hoping I might be able to avoid food all day. I'm still stuck between 125-128 lbs, I need to push myself if I'm ever going to get under 120 lbs.
Also, does anyone know if black pepper is good or bad for you? I always use loads, but I have no idea about its nutritional benefits.
hey,
ReplyDeleteI've just started reading your blog.
I'm sorry you felt the need to self harm but I can understand why you feel the need, sometimes I find I'd rather feel physical pain than emotional pain.
I hope you feel better today,
Much love x
Thank you. It means a lot that someone actually wants to read all my ramblings. Also, just to add. I found out all my friends are going to a reunion lunch today which I'm not invited to. So I gave in and cut along my waist.
DeleteNow I've cut and can't move my knuckle. It's a bad day.
I'm pretty sure its good for you, anything with a bit of spice is good because it speeds up you metabolism. It's great for flavour and virtually calorie free <3
ReplyDeleteThanks. I thought it would probably be alright. I use it quite a lot because at least then plain food can taste of SOMETHING.
DeleteYou sound better towards the end of this post. Sorry you were having such a bad night. I agree your friend could have went without you. At least you told her you were going to be late or whatever. I would have been happy just for the update period.
ReplyDeleteYour meal yesterday sounds yummy. To my knowledge black pepper is not bad for you. Nothing compared to what salt can do to you. Bloating mostly among other things.
Thanks. Yeah I'm feeling relatively better now. A bit more calm, I still don't even know what triggered my depression last night.
DeleteI'm trying desperately to avoid eating ANY salt. I'm actually terrified by the thought of bloating and retaining loads of water weight.