So I'm back to living at home now.
My first exam starts on Tuesday, also my birthday, and I need to be home with my laptop so I can look at past papers etc. on the internet.
I really hate it here.
It's so much easier for me to binge; at my nan's I'd have to wait for her to go out and eat things she wouldn't notice were gone, and then throw up quickly before she came home. It wasn't worth the effort.
Here I can eat and eat without anyone even noticing the food's gone, and as long as I run a tap or check no one's upstairs I can throw up for as long as I need.
I'm also scared that my mum will have found something in my room while I was away, and that she'll start watching what I eat. I had a sticker with my goal weight on my shelf, which I covered with a post-it note when I realised she'd be able to see it, but I don't know if she saw the note before I covered it.
While I was at my nan's I managed to undo all my weight loss that I worked so hard for. I'm back to 131 lbs.
Tomorrow I might try a fast; then Tuesday it's my birthday so I expect I'll eat a ridiculous amount, then day after I can go back to surviving off rice cakes and cucumber like I used to be able to do.
On slept at my friend's last night; we went in her hot tub for a bit at one point, it kind of annoyed me that she didn't notice my weight loss. I know I'm not anywhere near skinny yet, but I did think I was better than I used to be. When we were in the hot tub she even started talking about our other friend who isn't eating properly. The one who's dropped to a size 6.
All my other friends are such bitches about her. They saw she's really selfish, that she's doing it for attention, and how annoyed they are with her for not gaining the weight after they said they were worried about her.
I'm scared of what they'll say to me if they ever find up I've made myself sick while they were in the same house as me so many times.
I used to agree with them that what my skinny friend was doing was unhealthy; now I'm actually jealous of her because she lost so much without any extremeness. All she had to do was eat smaller portions.
This has turned into such a rant. Sorry. I really hope I don't sound like a complete bitch in these posts, sometimes I get really carried away and sound too opinionated when I write.
I really hope everyone is doing really well and are happy.
Also does anyone know how to follow blogs with the new layout? I'm so sorry to the new followers I have, I'll follow you back the second I work out how.
You don't sound a like a bitch at all to me. I love hearing you talk,vent, rant or whatever it is. You sound more like me than my twin sister.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you had a better day today. I am glad for that. I am sorry you gained weight at nan's house. I loved the thought of you being there because I knew you were at piece there( which also sucks because that can cause anyone to gain weight )
Maybe they did notice your weight loss but didn't want to say anything. I mean most females are like that. They are jealous and do not want to acknowledge anyone is who doing better than them. You would more than likely have to lose globes of weight for them to finally say something, you know shock the hell out of them. No one noticed my weight loss until I had lost 20lbs down. Then some still acted like they didn't notice, smh.
At birthday you should do whatever you want, it will be your day.
ReplyDeletePeople are so silly when they talk about things they have no idea about and don't realize that someone could have similiar problem.