Invisible

Yesterday when I was home for 'dinner' I ended up going crazy.
My mum had text me to ask me to come home for dinner, so I kind of thought that after two weeks of me living at my nan's house she had finally started to miss me and wanted me home. I was clearly wrong.
I was home for three hours before anyone even spoke to me, and they only spoke to me because I found out that while I was upstairs they all ate dinner without me, and I asked why they told me to come home if they were going to ignore me.
My mum said she wasn't asking me to come home, and that she had only wanted to know whether or not she'd have to cook for me; she clearly ignored my answer to that.

I ended up crying in a muddy footpath by my house. I just got all my stuff after they ignored me, and left saying I was going back to my nan's. They literally didn't care. They haven't even asked why I left to begin with

After about half an hour crying in the mud, I went back to my nan's and had a bath straight away because I didn't want to start crying in front of her. I found my razor blade just before I got in the bath.
I was so tempted. It would be so easy. My veins were so visible in the hot water.
But I couldn't do that to my nan, so I cut my thighs and hips instead.

I saw my sister at my nan's today. She hasn't mentioned anything. She hasn't asked if I'm okay.
She did stick a post-it note on my revision notes saying 'Cheer up grumpy :)' though. I don't know if it was her being nice, or her being really patronising.

I feel so trapped all the time. Everywhere I go, no matter what I'm doing, I just feel as though everything's closing in on me. Claustrophobic wherever I am. It's horrible; I want to be free of this. I want freedom from everything. I just want to stop my brain from thinking.