It's weird how separate I feel from my family.
We've never really been close but recently I've noticed I almost resent them.
It's almost impossible to put these feelings into words. I just wrote out a massive paragraph of what happened but had to delete it because it sounds so... melodramatic.
I don't know what it is but my family just really irritate me. I feel like they are some kind of.. gang?.. and I'm just not a part of it. They can all happily spend the day together, eating and making immature jokes about anything, obsessing over our pets. I'm just not like them. I would much rather sit alone in my room and block the world out, than waste my days with them.
I don't feel as though I have a connection to any of them. I do love them, of course I do, but I don't feel like I know any of them. It feels like I live in a house of strangers, I don't feel comfortable around them.
Everything about them annoys me. I just noticed someone, I'm guessing dad, came into my room and closed my window without asking me at some point. It was definitely wide open earlier. Things like that just annoy me. It's my room, they don't have to right to just come in and mess with my belongings. No wonder I'm so hot at the moment, who closes their window during a heatwave?
Sorry this is such a pointless post, I just never really noticed these feelings before an encounter downstairs which made me realise how distanced I feel.
poor you.. and who does close a window during a heat wave :\ oh wait I just did cos all these freaky bugs kinda just took over my bedroom.. :\ Arrh. But, I know how you feel.. when I was younger I used to feel really alienated from my family too.. like they had their little cosy family bubble and I was on the outside looking in.. but its changed now.. Now I am in that bubble.. Its strange but maybe things will get better? And even if they dont, its ok cos you dont choose your family, thats why we make friends :) I know its cheesy but they can kinda be like the family you choose.. Thats how I used to see it and still do to some extent..
ReplyDeleteDont feel down *hug*
Lots of love xx
I think I definitely over reacted about the window, my room's full of annoying flies, so really it was probably sensible, the only thing that annoyed me is that he didn't ask.
DeleteI think things probably will get better, I always go through stages, like when my sister was in hospital we got really close, we've just drifted again recently.
Thanks for your support.
Love.
It seems like they don't give you enough freedom. When that happens, your actions and decisions in life become almost entirely influenced by them... and then you begin resenting it... and slowly but surely, resenting them. Perhaps you may simply be different from them, or perhaps part of you is distancing yourself from them on purpose, yet because they are your family, you begin to feel alone.
ReplyDeleteIt's difficult to really connect with anyone if they leave little room for you to be as you are. They will always know you as the person who they've allowed you to become, but not the person who you will and can become.
I suppose I've always felt trapped in my sister's shadow. I'm expected to do as well as her, but they always look down on me and think that I'm going to fail in comparison.
DeleteThanks for your comment, it means a lot.
why don't you ever tell me these things? you tell me youre doing alright and i come on here and obviously you're not "/ You always let me vent and be a negative mess, I feel bad that its never the other way around
ReplyDeleteOh no it's not that I didn't want to tell you. I just was feeling better by the time we started talking, honestly our conversations cheer me up so much, I'm in a better mood right now than I have been for ages. Don't feel bad, I always vent at you too.
DeleteNot pointless at all. I remember when I 1st started reading your blog and you were talking about your sister and her doctors appointment falling on the same day as your bday. It's like you had to take a backseat on your own birthday. Sorry but since then your family kind of pissed me off. So I think I would have understood your whole paragraph before you deleted it.
ReplyDeleteMy sister is like that. I know deep down she does not feel like she is apart of the family. Most recently she just started getting close to my dad but mom....she is still working on that. I admire her for trying to let them into her life a little now. She still feels like a lonely but she puts forth the effort now.
For the record, my dad never ever came into my room. Even when I wasn't home. My mom was a different story. She came in there whenever she felt like it.
I hope it gets better. For a while I thought they had gotten better. Guess I was wrong.
Its not a pointless post, you need to vent :) I HATE it when my mum goes into my room without asking too, its my personal space! Keep venting hunni, it'll help! xx
ReplyDeleteGeez I do feel the same really!
ReplyDeleteIt's been very hard for me to go back to my parent's house for the holiday. I can definitely understand how you feel about your parents moving your things.
My case is even worse: the family computer is in my room (because there's a phone plug), so my mum and dad spend most of their spare time in MY room. Plus: we have to come to my room to get to the laundry, so my mum spend even more time in MY room. And I can tell you this really pisses me off. However, my parents are so strict and severe that I never dared telling them ><'