I've thrown up in the bathroom sink quite a few times because when the house is full of people it's the only way I can throw up without being heard. Toilets are just so loud and splashy.
The sink's been kind of blocked for a couple of weeks, but not seriously blocked, it just takes a lot longer for the water to drain away than normal. I didn't even think anyone would have noticed, apparently I was wrong. My dad rung a plumber out to fix it, and I know exactly what they're going to find when they take the pipes apart, the thought is actually pretty gross.
What the hell am I meant to say when the plumber asks my dad why the pipes are blocked with semi-digested food? I don't know what conclusion my dad will make, but whatever happens, this won't end well.
I've probably got between 20 minutes to half an hour to think of an excuse. Bum.
On a better note my eating's been great today, or my lack of eating has been anyway.
I haven't eaten a thing. Three times now I've overruled the urge to binge by distracting myself and telling myself that I control my actions, not my stomach.
Although I was using Gossip Girl to distract me from eating, every time I felt that I NEEDED to go downstairs and stuff my face I would just watch a new episode and forget all my hunger while the programme was playing; unfortunately I've now finished all the series' and I don't know what I'm going to do with my life now. As melodramatic as that sounds, watching Gossip Girl has been my only pastime for months now, I'm feeling slightly lost without it. I'm already planning what I could binge on, which is ridiculous considering I can't purge with the fucking plumber in the only bathroom.
Not to mention I need a shower so I can look perfect at this party I'm going to tonight. The one with my ex.
I'm not ready, I don't know how this party just snuck up on me. I swear it was weeks away last time I checked, and suddenly it's today. Ah fuck. I don't even know what I'm going to wear. Or what I'm going to do when I'm there. The reason I finally managed to make some leeway at getting over him was because I stopped meeting him and getting drunk with him every weekend. The amount of times we got drunk and kissed after our breakup was ridiculous. The very weekend after we broke up I got horrendously drunk and gave him a blowjob in my best friend's house. Why she had to choose that weekend for a hot tub party and invite me and my ex I will never know. But yeah, I don't think I've been drunk with him since the night I kissed his best friend. The only times I can recall us being drunk together after our breakup we either kissed, argued then kissed, I cried hysterically in a toilet because he mentioned another girl, or I kissed or flirted heavily with his best friend so I barely noticed he was there.
We are not healthy when we're together. Not to mention the person who's party it is is the one who always texts me off my ex's phone. The immature twatty ones. I'd be surprised if no one made an awkward joke about us tonight.
I don't even know what I want to happen tonight. Do I want him to take one look at me and remember how great we were and beg for me back? Do I want us to get on and go back to the close friends we were before we went out? Do I want him to ignore me and act like a dick around the other girls so I can truly feel over him? Just thinking about tonight is sickening enough for me to not want to eat. I don't know whether that's comforting or not. Do I want to feel empty and strong, accomplished even, for tonight. Or do I want some muvvafucking food so I don't get paralytic and throw up in front of him (oh yes, I've done that before. Crying on the bathroom floor begging for him back and then throwing up, and we weren't alone in that room, I'm sometimes surprised his friend ever kissed me considering how much of a mess everyone saw I was after the breakup).
Not to mention my skin is despicable right now. Truly despicable. Recently I've just been a breading ground for spots.
Oh, I just remembered something someone said yesterday though: at work I received all my job clothes and in the interview I said I was a (UK) size 10. I'm generally somewhere between an 8 and a 10 so I thought it's better they're too big than too small. Some guy at work who handed me the trousers when they arrived looked at me and said "you're definitely smaller than a size 10." Then a while later he stared at me for ages and said "you are not a 10." I'd forgotten about the clothes by that point, I thought he was just being a dick and rating me out of 10 for my looks, I almost went crazy at him until I realised it was a compliment.
It also made me realise that being skinny isn't necessarily as important to everyone. So many guys have always said that they prefer curvier girls, but I never know whether that's just because they're trying to compliment me to get into my pants, and they knew telling the fat girl they like skinny girls is a bad idea.
Sorry this post turned into such a ramble, I was only really planning to update quickly about the plumber dilemma. The plumber's actually now arrived and is working on the sink, that's how long I spent writing this. Ah, wish me luck.
Isn't there any chemical to throw down the sink that will dissolve that semi-digested food? For now it's too late, but maybe in the future that could help you...
ReplyDeleteYour relationship with your ex sounds quite a lot like mine with one of my exes.
x
Ohh dear.. funnily enough a plumber has just arrived here too to fix a drippy tap :\ your dilemma is worse.. I would have tipped bleach and cocacola down there to erode the food.. Too late now never mind.. <3 It will be fine.. Thats how me and my ex was before.. he would always want to make out with me and beg me for sex it was so easy to just give in and pretend that it was like how it was before.. but it never was.. Sometimes, things end so better things can begin. In my case, that was the truth.. so I hope the same will be for you. Good luck tonight <3 Much love x
ReplyDeleteI've had the sink clog on numerous occasions. Solution: plunger & boiling water. It works like a charm. Although I try not to have to resort to completely ruining the sink and keep a mixing bowl for "hand-washing underwear" in the bathroom at all times. Less splashy.
ReplyDeleteIdeally of course, it would be better if we didn't need to do this at all...
Having masochistic tendencies makes it kind of difficult to remove yourself from abusive relationships... But knowing that it's unhealthy to begin with is better than nothing.
You must do what is right for you, if he isnt good for you, you must move on, you must surround yourself with people who are good for you and will help you towards your future :) xx
ReplyDeleteSoda -I mean NaOH, not coke ^^- could help with the sink. Can't you make up an excuse like you've been sick once or twice these past few months because of alimentary intoxication or something ?
ReplyDeleteHaha I always feel the same when I finish watching a serie. Like "so what now ?... emptiness"
I'm sure the party will be great, and that you'll find a gorgeous outfit to wear. Try and spend time with other guys than your ex tonight !
I also believed for quite a long time that guys said they prefer curves just to be polite/get us in their pants. But actually they don't. I think they really prefer curves, so that when having sex they don't hurt themselves upon one of our bones that would come out too sharply ^^
I'm a box set junkie. If you're looking for a new one I'd recommend
ReplyDelete'Weeds'. It's about mom in the suburbs who sells weed to make ends meet. Darkly funny.
Hope the party goes well for you x
Good luck, you should get a garbage disposal in your bathroom sink... :) Any guy would want you, just have fun at the party and don't worry about your ex (unless your thinking how jealous he is)
ReplyDeleteXOXOXOXO
-featherlight