Welcome relapse

I was getting better. My friend was so proud of me. But I was actually disgusted in myself. I can't deal with normal eating.
I hadn't purged since Monday, my eating was wavering between normal and restriction, but it was still too much for me to deal with.
Today was messed up. I planned a binge/purge on the frozen pizza I spied in the freezer the other day, but then my mum cooked me a (vegetarian) sausage in a roll. I panicked because it wasn't planned and threw it out, but then I couldn't cook the pizza because she thought I'd already eaten. So I went out to two different shops, buying half the binge food from each place so I wouldn't be judged too much (I've got my trial shift in one of the shops tomorrow, so I'm trying to limit the amount of binge food I buy from there. Plus it was a girl from my school on the till today who must have thought I was such a pig). I bought so much fucking food, and I wasn't even hungry. I should have fasted. I should have made the most of my ability to throw out my lunch. Anyway I've eaten an entire family bag of doritos and 2 and a half big cookies. Which written down sounds like literally nothing. I've still got half the cookies left and an unopened packet of biscuits which I still haven't eaten. It took me three binge/purge cycles to eat the doritos and 2 cookies.
I've been feeling like a pig all day, but written down that looks pathetic.
After the third purge I took two diet pills to try and sort out the food that I didn't get up.
Now I feel so ill. The diet pills alone make me feel ill, but combined with all the throwing up I'm so weak I can barely move.
Is it bad that I'm happy? I feel so empty. By the end of the third purge all that I could get up was stomach acid, no food left. I'm pretty sure I got most of it up, or at least all that was possible. The lightheadedness is so welcome after a week of feeling weighed down by the 'normal' eating. I'd told my friend that I was stopping, she's really happy that I'd lasted since Monday. I'm not going to tell her I've started again.
She was threatening to tell people and force me to get professional help. I want her to stop hassling me. She's got enough to deal with without me shoving all my issues in her face. I feel like we're in some unspoken competition as to who has the most complicated life. I don't want to feel like I have to exaggerate my problems to get her attention, I'm happy to just be there for her. I don't want her to feel sorry for me when she's got her own stuff going on.

I went to a party on Friday night. It was nice. I didn't know the guy that well, but I knew basically everyone else there quite well. It was a 90s rave theme, which I thought would be pretty lame, but it was one of the most fun nights I've had for a long time. Before I went to the party I went to the aquarium with my mum, and because I think my mum was hungover, we barely ate anything all day. She's not a big eater. Therefore I was a bit of a lightweight at the party, but not in a bad way luckily. The amount of weed there was great. I didn't have any of my own, but everyone was really generous and I still got stupidly high. There was neon paint and glow sticks everywhere, it was so pretty. I want to be there again, haha. Plus the walk there was killer. We missed the bus which went straight to his house, so we had to walk up the steepest most never ending hill ever. Half way up I felt myself starting to black out, but I just pushed myself until I reached the top, I must have burnt so many calories.

My nan's having surgery tomorrow. It's a knee replacement. It should be routine, but she's got so many heart problems that they're worried she might never wake up from the anesthetic. I know her illness is worse than what she's telling the doctors. She wants this operation so she's hiding things in case they say she's too ill. I've been avoiding thinking about it. I don't even want to think about what would happen if she died.
She's my escape from my family. Last time I was on the edge of losing my mind at home I went to stay with her. What if it happens again but I have nowhere to go? We've drifted apart recently because I've been so busy with school work that I haven't been visiting her as often as I should. Plus she always gives me food so I've been avoiding her. I'm a terrible granddaughter.

Also, just because I know some of you were interested before: the guy I went to the cinema with last weekend hasn't spoken to me since. I texted him on Tuesday, and he didn't reply. I don't even know why I bother thinking that anyone might care about me. I should have learnt by now that I'm not the kind of person anyone wants a relationship with.