Reinvention

I'm so sorry I've been neglecting my blog recently. I haven't even been busy; there are no excuses.
After that run last week my legs ached for three days so I've done little exercise. When I say they ached, I mean they really truly ached. I could barely walk down stairs for days. I finally overcame the pain yesterday when I had to kneel on the floor stacking shelves at work, and I knew that I would get no sympathy if I complained; it's surprising how healing simply grinning and bearing it was. I've barely felt any pain since then.

I just watched 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'. Well I watched the majority of it before my laptop decided to crash horribly and refuse to play the last part. It was such an inspiring film. I want to be Audrey Hepburn more than I have ever wanted to be anybody else in my entire life. While I was watching the film I googled: her diet, her beauty tips, sleeping masks and her fashion. I'm obsessed. She's absolutely beautiful; the perfect example of petite. It's also made me rethink a lot of my life.
For years I've tried to be delicate, fragile and weak. It's what I have worked towards. I always lean on a male to support me. Whether that be my boyfriend or a guy best friend, I always need someone to protect me and make me feel safe. When things go wrong I hide from the world and self destruct. I've always used self harm as my coping mechanism, because it's simply easier to do than facing my problems. Self harm becomes the problem, so the true meaning will always be lost on others. Now my eating is starting to replace self harm. If I make myself sick or refuse to eat until I'm faint, no one questions that skinniness was the motive, no one ever asks me why I want to be skinny or what I hope the achieve from being skinny.
I realised that I don't want to be weak any more. I want to be my own person. I still want to be skinny, don't get me wrong, I'm still clinging to the hope that once I drop below 100 lbs and my clothes start to be baggy then I will be happy. Happy. That's exactly what I want, not this depressed state of self hatred I've been stuck in. I want to be strong, individual and happy. I want to surround myself with very basic but very beautiful things. Develop my own fashion sense and stick to it. Find out what works for me. I want to be my own person. I only have one year left of school and then I'm going off to university.
I want to know who I am before university. Right now I don't even know what course I want to study.

But first things first: I need achievable goals to keep me on my toes. I'm been aiming for the far off 120 lbs for too long now. It's too distant for me to ever really try. My new goal is to be 125 lbs by Friday. That's 5 days and less than 5 lbs. What could be simpler?