I deleted that last post, just because it's not something I'm proud of.
Thank you so much for all your suggestions and support.
I've had to suffice with using plasters which cover most of it, then if anyone asks I'll say I tried to climb over some fence on my last day of school when I was drunk and scratched up my arm on the wooden posts. No one can question it. Even though it's so blatantly obvious to anyone who knows anything about self harm, through plausible deniability no one can really say anything about it.
I really wish I'd just thought of the consequences before I ruined my one month free. I can't believe how much my heart sunk about 45 minutes after when I caught sight of my work top and realised what I'd done.
Ah well, no use dwelling on the past. My plasters shall have to suffice, I'll just offer to do most of the shelve restocking and avoid the tills where my arms will be most noticeable.
I'm currently debating over whether to attempt another fast, which will probably end in a binge, or whether to just eat healthily, and then again risk a binge.
Why does everything always have to end in a binge?
Right now I feel sick, like really sick. I know it's because I'm hungry from throwing up everything yesterday, but I still feel like I doesn't deserve the hunger. I should only be hungry because I haven't eaten and because I was strong, not because I was weak and then sick.
I don't know whether eating to make the sickness go away is the best way to go, or whether to just avoid food and drink water all day? Hmm.
Sorry I'm rambling here to avoid going downstairs and eating. I hope you all have a wonderful day.
Before you start a fast, you need to feel strong again, for now just take things slow until you are truly ready, there is no rush, just look after yourself xx
ReplyDeleteThere are other reasons why someone would be hungry, and it certainly isn't because they're weak. It's usually during those times when you feel most vulnerable and alone. I think only you can know for sure why you felt that way.
ReplyDeleteI would say try to eat something "healthy" even if it's thats just a veggie soup or broth. Then you could fast if you feel the need. It always makes me feel like I'm cleaning out when I fast. You could use it to try to gain control again too. I keep telling myself I don't have to binge. I won't binge after my fast ends. Maybe we can manifest it if we believe it enough. As for the self harm. I am sorry. That's all I can say. And that I know how you feel. My entire arm was scratched up and down with dirty broken glass, I didn't even know I was doing it. The scars are still there. Anyway, that was long. I don't want you to feel alone though.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about your self harm.
ReplyDeleteI really hope you'll be able to drop that "habit" someday.
If you're afraid of binging, maybe you should try to eat more often. Like half an apple, and then the second half two hours later, so that you won't feel hungry ...
Your last comment on my blog made me so happy, I'm so glad to have you :)
Ahh, That really sucks :/ I'm back to self-harming again... but by choice.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can figure shit out, I know it's difficult. If you're going to fast then plan ways to keep yourself busy so you won't binge before you start it, it might help.
Good luck, lots of love Xoxo
Im sorry you're going through so much. Just keep your head up!
ReplyDelete